Learning the HARD way

Just occured to me that my pup really does enjoy learning things the hard way. But then again, don't we all? ;)


Baby Speaks :



1) Your Master

• Jumping your master at 6am in the morning, while very affectionate, results in a very swift butt kicking regardless of the fact your masters 'dame' finds it hugely amusing.
• If you don't want a grumpy master, howling your teats off all night generally does not help this. Your master tend to get uglier and crankier with less sleep.
• When your master says 'Shut up, I'm trying to sleep.' He doesn't mean 'What? I can't hear you.'
• Looking guilty after pooping into your masters favorite slippers doesn't mean you'll get away with it.
• Licking your masters hands to lull him into a false sense of security before jumping and biting his nose works. Too well. Your master doesn't require the extra practice of swinging the rolled newspaper into your butt. Your butt most definately does not need the rolled newspaper.
  Somethings are not meant to be shared. Your master's boxers, briefs and shorts are one of those things.
• While struggling during baths may seem amazingly fun, your master is not normally amused when he turns up wetter than you are.
• When your master throws a treat/toy into your cage, he is DEFINATELY going to lock you in.

2) Heights, furniture and other pesky things

• What goes up must come down. Getting to high places is awful fun. Getting stuck there is just plain awful.
• Jumping onto the top of the couch when no one is around is cool. Not knowing how to get down when no one is around is NOT.
• Just because it LOOKS like you can walk through it, doesn't mean you CAN walk through it. Glass is tricky like that.
• Beetles do not smell good as they do not like being sniffed. Ten minutes of rubbing your nose and sneezing will teach you that.
• Just because something smells good, does not mean it tastes good. Stay away from perfume bottles.
• I know it is natural to chase or bark at cats. It is common sense however to wait until they aren't twice your size and you don't have to hide behind your master to bark at them.
• Surprising anything that is bigger than you and could squish you like a fly is a bad idea.
• Running up and down the stairs is fun. Falling down them not so.
• Having your temperature taken is not only unnatural... it is downright traumatizing. Avoid this at all cost.

3) Your master's lady

• Eating a flower is a bad idea. Eating a rose your master walked 30 minutes in the rain to get is a WORSE idea.
• Trying to eat the whole flower, bud, stem and leaves and all; is quite impossible to do. Your master isn't quite as slow or dumb as he looks. Honestly.
• Love letters and portraits are not for mauling. Your master has a habit of returning the favor to your buttocks when you do that.
  Jumping and licking your master's lady friend so that she tastes and smells like you doesn't please your master. He loves you but thats pushing the limit.
• When your master says he wishes he could mute you so that he can get some QT with his lady friend, then realising this statement shocks his friend, he claims to be joking; trust me, he isn't.
• Any discomfort cause to your master's lady tends to result in ten times that discomfort inflicted on your bottom.

4) Your masters dame

• Disturbing a big lady when she is enjoying her meal is not a good idea. Biting her toes will result in her mistaking you for part of the meal and biting you as well. Humans are vengeful like that.
• Scratching fanatically when your master is trying to convince his dame that you have no fleas is shooting yourself in the leg. Or in this case, jabbing yourself in the butt.
• Being fastidiously clean is good. However, avoid licking your 'bits' when your master is convincing his dame that she should let you 'kiss' her.
• The view you get from leaning on the slide away door, after you've climbed the couch is nice. It isn't nice, however, when the masters dame screams 'WTF ARE YOU DOING THERE?'. This not only scaring the crap out of you, but also making you lose your precarious balance and land on the very hard, cold marble floor.

5) Guests

• Just because people are allergic to you, doesn't mean you have to like them even more.
• Being sexist and overfriendly with only females of your masters species is bad for your tush health.
• Sticking your cold nose where its not wanted is a bad idea. Your master would get slapped for training you to do indecent things by his lady friends. Amusing as this is, don't doubt for a second he will reimburse you each ounce of discomfort.

Any one have anything to add to this list? ;)

Also the pup pic isn't a pic of my pup... its someone else's extremly cute pup named Sony. Get me a digi cam and I'll post pics ahhaah...