Vinepedia presents : Getting a date and dating girls

Okay... so I was talking to a friend of mine and he raised a very interesting question. How do you get a date and what do you do on a date?

Ok. First of all, the obvious problem if you are single is how to get a date! There are several approaches depending on your looks and your financial status.

Easy peasy!
Look: Brad Pitt looks like me (not the other way round fool!)
Money: I own Microsoft
Approach: This one is simple enough. Just look around you, find any chick you fancy and say, 'I could have any girl in the world, but I chose you!'. Then flash stuff some 100 dollar bills in her cleavage and flash that million dollar smile of yours. If you get slapped, you're not as good looking as you thought you were. Or! The woman fancies carpet munching more than hiding the salami! Or she's a feminist! Oh wait... same damn thing!

Money talks!
Look: Butter curdles when I look at it!
Money: I own a small island and a few continents just for kicks
Approach: Get two little girls (cutesy type obviously) to walk in front of you and throw hundred dollar bills. Then, casually walk on the bills towards the girl and ask her out. If this doesn't work, shout, 'You gold digging bitch! I leave you for a second and your out on the streets selling yourself again?'

I can't afford you but I can sure f*ck your brains out!
Look: Women wet their panties (in the good way idiot... not piss themselves) when I walk by
Money: The IRS give me food tokens out of sympahty
Approach: Walk up to a girl and say, 'Pinch yourself now, cause I'm asking you out on a dream date on you!'. If she says she has a boyfriend, date her boy friend.

Hopeless dudes
Look: There's nothing left of a mirror when I look at it!
Money: I'm so ugly, Webster looks more manly than me!
Approach: Crawl up to a woman and beg her to date you. Threaten to jump of a bridge if she doesn't. If she still turns you down. Jump. You may be dead. But die knowing at least one person will think of you (with guilt) when you're gone.


Ok. Now that down to pat. What do I do with a girl on a date?

Here's vinepedia's 20 steps to a good date!

1. Take her to the movies.
2. Pick her up from her place with your car.
3. If you don't have a car, use your motorbike to pick her up.
4. If you don't have that either, suggest a scenic walk across the highway to enjoy the stars with her.
5. If she collapses from exhaustion, bring her home and screw her brains out. You walked for her after all. One sweet deed deserves another!
6. If the movie is at 2pm in the afternoon, get mommy to drive the both of you.
7. If mommy decides she wants to watch the movie too, you're screwed. Start back at point 1.
7. Look her in the eyes when you're talking to her. This will help you tell if she likes you or not. If she licks her lips or plays with her hair, we're in business. Proceed to 8. If not, proceed to 8 any way :p
8. Wait till you're about to reach an escalator and offer her a hand to step on the first step. Continue to hold her hand after that.
9. If she misteps and falls... LET GO STUPID! YOU DON'T WANT TO FALL TOO DO YOU?
10. Ask her what she wants to watch.
11. Pretend not to hear and buy tickets for a horror movie you've watched before so you know when the scary bits are coming.
12. Lift her cinema seat for her when she is about to sit.
13. Watch the movie.
14. Stretch out your hand over her head. Slowly place it over her shoulder. Please note that you should NOT have body odour when you do this! (if she passes out refer to 5)
15. Every time a scary part is coming, lean towards her and pull her close a little.
16. If she scream 'Rape!'... Run.
17. If she screams every few seconds in fear, put ear plugs on.
18. When the movies about to end, i.e. the touching scene between the hero and the chick, look at her, pull her closer and smile.
19. Talk about the movie with her on the way home.
20. Ask her out for another date if 1- 19 worked well. Beg for at least a blow job to cover the cost of the movie and petrol if it did not.