For my friends... tho few they may be :)

Do Not Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond's glints that snow,
I am the sunlight on ripening grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

First of, I take no credit for the poem. It was written by some one and posted on a board. If anyone knows the writers name I'd be in your debt. Credit should be given where credit is due.

Its been a while since I blogged. Forgive me if its in a bit of a depressive and dark in its nature. I was reading this poem and I totally felt a connection with it. If ever something were to happen to me. This would be the poem I would want some one to read out for me at my funeral.

That being said. I don't intend to die just yet ;)

As the saying goes. 'I have promises to keep; and miles to go before I sleep'.

Standing on the line

I’m standing on the line
Looking at the low
thinkin dincha know?

Cos I tell you one thing
You take to the wing
I ask you one why
You take to the fly

I’m standing aligned
standing on the line
where nothing is fine
Cos I’m standing on the line

something ain’t right
Something ya said last night
My sanity went flyin
And now we’re fightin

Cos I tell you one thing
You take to the wing
I ask you one why
You take to the fly

So I’m standing on the line
You can’t seem to see
You can’t seem to feel me

Said you’d do me fine
Then I declined
So I’m standing on a line
Telling you all along
You said something wrong

Cause you don’t see the line
When nothings fine
my glimmers lost its shine
fading time after time

Cos I tell you one thing
You take to the wing
I ask you one why
You take to the fly

I said I don’t know
I said I don’t know
You say go with the flow

You tell me I’m home
Tell me I’m fine
But I’m still standing on that line

Best resignation letter ever!

Dear Mr Barker,


As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.

I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.

You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time. Sincerely,Ted Brewer

A girls bestfriend

This is taken off a real brazillian advertisement for diamonds. A forum friend of mine had this as his signature.
Just sharing and waiting to see what girls have to say about this ;)

Don't quite fit in?

Ever feel like you're not quite part of the crowd. Like even though you are surrounded by people or friends you're still alone deep inside. Imagine how this poor pup feels. She not even in the same species!

Myth? Mysteriously boring??

Watched the myth today. Honestly, if I didn't have company I would have fallen asleep. The storyline is tedious and pretty slow moving. Heck me and the person both agreed that it would have been a better movie if they had just stuck to the flashbacks instead of inserting boring modern day scenes.

The movie has two timelines. One based during the Qin dynasty if I'm not mistaken. Here a general is escorting a concubine back to the royal palace. Obviously they fall in love. For no reason that I could perceive. But its a movie eh? Anything can happen. The second timeline is the modern timeline where the general has been reincarnated. He is an archaeologist (spelling?) who is slowly regaining his memory of his past life.

I must admit the soldier uniforms and horses and all the action in the past timeline did catch a wow or two from me. That was pretty impressive. Then again, after watching the likes of 'Braveheart' and 'The last samurai' the impressiveness is quite mediocre after all.

Its Jackie Chans usual blend of comedy action. Lots of laughs for well choreographed fight scenes. The storyline and ending leave much wanting though if you ask me. As usual at the end of the movie, the bloopers are shown. Some of them hilarious to an extreme... others which just look awfully painful!

All in all an average movie. On hindsight, if not for the perfect company I had, I would have refused to pay my RM 10.00 for the movie!

Bad drivers.

So how many of you thought woman driver when I said bad driver? I'm sure around half of you did!

Its a sad case our Malaysian driving and traffic system. From the very start to the end there is so much that is left wanting.

The phrase 'Where did you get your license from? The supermarket?' hits the nail on the head. You don't necessarily have to be able to drive at all to get a driving license in Malaysia. All you need to do is pass the testor some money for a coffee or 'kopi money' as it is more commonly known. Coffee? 200 bucks for a coffee? With 200 bucks you could probably get close to a month in coffees from some where posh like Coffee Bean and Starbucks.

The whole system is so freaking corrupt that it is laughable. There is no doubt that bribes will be accepted. Parents/ people learning to drive, rarely ask their instructors if it is possible to bribe their way through the exam. Instead they as HOW MUCH a bribe will cost!

Thats probably why we have drivers who do not know a damn thing about the rules of the road. Women drive as if they own the road and men drive as if they want to become a part of the road. Its ridiculous.

I recall this one time trying to turn into a one way street. There was a car on the wrong side of the road who actually honked me. Whats this? I'm on the RIGHT side of the road and she's blasting her horn at me. She even went as far as to wind down her window and say 'Oi! Now chinese school finish, this one way street is the opposite from the sign shows.' Can you beat that! People changing the rules because it suits them. Again I ask where did you buy your license from.

Nowaday women drivers are even more agressive then men drivers. I recall being on the fast lane and doin 120 or so, which is ALREADY above the speed limit. Then this Mercedes tailgates me and starts flashing and honking. So I move to the side. To my shock I saw a middle aged woman driving, with her son right next to her. Don't play play. Equal rights my foot. Women not only have equal rights now, they have EXTRA rights as well!

The other thing about us Malaysian drivers is that we are probably the most 'kepoh' (nosy) drivers in the world. Any thing from a car thats broken down to a massive road accident, we slow down or even stop to see! Most of the time you get caught in the jam for hours, only to find out that some truck has broken down or some one's been in an accident. After passing that part, the road is smooth flowing again.

Kiasu - or hate to lose, is another trait of our local drivers. Their time is always more precious than the other person's. Which is why they take illegal drives down the emergency lane to speed up their own journey but literally slow other people down to a crawl. Don't even think about cutting in, us Malaysians don't 'give chance'! I've been in this lane so long why should I let you move in front of me?

So we look to the traffic police to ensure that the laws are enforced and some semblance of sanity takes place in our roads. Of course they live up to our expectations. Our expectations of a corrupt and shitty law enforcement body that is. It is as cheap as 20 bucks to 'smooth' your way out of a summons. All the time the cop would be asking you : 'Apa macam?' (How now?)

Then when you pay them off, the next thing they say is 'Encik ya bagi, saya tak mintak ya!' (You gave it to me, I didn't ask for it!)

Pathethic. No wonder there are so many freakin accidents and bad drivers around.

Been a while huh?

been quite a while since I posted anything up. Lack of things to whine talk about I guess. One thing that caught my attention today was how people were using sex to sell their blogs.

I mean seriously, sex does sell your product; but its oh so tacky. Kinda cheap too. I wonder if people who can't help but use the word f*** between every other adjective or verb justs portrays their lack of skill using the language. A lack of vocabulory to express themselve without using conventional swear words.

Its amazing how people spend 3/4 of the time inserting cuss words and just 1/4 of the sentence or less is content or a point they want to make. Maybe its some kinda psychological release for people who can't swear without being sent to bed in real life. Jokes aside its kinda sad don't you think?

Worse still are those who keep writing explicit and crude sexual innuendos or even plain light porn in their blogs. *shakes head* I seriously don't get it.

Well anyway, my topic for today is simply about my new pet hate. I hate the word 'TRY'

Heres what people REALLY mean when they use this awful word.


Its okay, you TRIED your best.
You're forgiven because your pathethic efforts just aren't up to mark. But that was expected anyway.

We are not receiving a response from the number you have dialed. Please TRY again later.
You girlfriend/boyfriend is probably on the phone with their lover. Try calling when they're done with their phone sex session.


If first you don't succeed, TRY and TRY again.
If you mess up, keep going and keep failing. Watching you crash and burn so often is highly amusing.

I'm TRYING to understand you.
I have no freaking idea what your tiny brain and inferior intellect is attempting to get me to understand.

Why don't you TRY it out.
This stuff is illegal and lethal, give it a go and see if you die or get arrested.

I can't promise you that but I will TRY to.
I'm probably not going to do what you ask, but I'll pretend to shut you up.

Maybe you're TRYING too hard.
You dumbass. Can't you take no for an answer?

Thank you for TRYING.
Zero points for accomplishment but fool full marks for stupidity

See! Trying is such a horrible world. Don't ya think so too?

Don't blame me for boring posts. I'm bloody tired and TRYING my best.

Dobberman bait?!

Things are looking a bit hectic at the moment. So can't really post or write much. Will do when I have more time.

Any way, can you imagine this innocent looking pup trying to take on a Dobberman? I can. Heck, I don't have to imagine, I saw it!

I was walking her yesterday when this friendly white lady went 'Awww so cuteee!'. Baby being her regular guard dog self (sarcasm) , took to the stranger immediately. Hopping to lick and say hello to the white lady.

I heard some grunts and growls. A bit too loud for my lil pup. When I looked carefully there was a HUGE and I mean HUGE Dobberman in the white lady's house.

Instead of being even mildly afraid, she hopped on to her hind legs and ran towards the Dobberman.

One word.

!!!!! PANIC !!!!!

I didn't want my lil pup to become Dobberman bait. Luckily there was a gate in the way. To be frank I'm not sure if the other dog was just being friendly. But hell, it was HUGE. He might squash baby by accident even. Hell if the dog broke wind in her direction the poor pup would be sent flying. She however was completely fearless. Which is okay. Since I had enough fear for BOTH of us.

Dobberman's are known to be a very unfriendly species bred specifically to bite tresspassers and thieves where it hurts. I sure as hell didn't want to end up a dobberman sandwich. Gosh. If I were a sandwich baby would be like a tidbit to that HUGE dog.

Thankfully nothing happened. I learned my lesson though. Never talk to strange white ladies who say 'AWwww so cute!'.

As you can see my pup tried to say that her owner is afraid of beer.



So I had to fix that.



Yup... much better

9 - 5.30 bores the hell outta me

Boredom can kill. Seriously. I’m so dead bored now it is unbelievable. The first day at the office has left me with little to do. Actually nothing to do so far. I’ve spent more time staring into space than doing anything constructive.
Good la! I hear your Malaysian spirit cry. You get paid for nothing. I so do NOT want to be paid for nothing. When theres nothing to do, the hours REALLY REALLY crawl. Its barely 2pm now. I have another 3.5 hours to go. To survive even. Its NOT FUN sitting and staring into space.
Staring into space causes me to daydream a lot. Mostly about other things I would rather be doing than what I’m stuck doing. These daydreams make me even MORE bored. Cause they highlight what fun things I could be doing instead of counting the tiles on the ceiling… again!
Everyone seems to be doing their own thing. I can’t remember anyones name apart from my boss and his secretary. I’ve never been good with names or faces. God even the stuff I write when I’m bored is boring. How on earth do people survive these 9-5 jobs? Surely not those where you have nothing to do for sure. No one can survive on of these things.
I’m pretty sure one of these days I’mma look back at this blog entry and curse. Nothing to do? I have no time to breathe now! Well at least I hope that I’ll do that. Cause another week of nothing to do and I may very well become insane!

Wow... I've written quite a bit here

78 pages on my Mircosoft word. I never realised I wrote so much. Thats enough for a little book already! I was just backing up my writing in case blogger dies or something, at least I have back ups. 78 pages! I'm like wow. I sure ramble a lot :D

Today's post is a short one. I have work tommorow. So I need to prepare stuff. Iron clothes. Buy new shoes. That sorta thing. I might be hardworking and write something up later. Have a few ideas running around in my head.

Till then. TTFN. (Ta Ta For Now)

Daydreams

Daydreams are for wimps and losers.

That being said. Here's mine.

'The wind blew gently across the lawn. The sun was high in the sky, signalling its dominance over the land. A land full of greenery... and... ??? ... ??? puppies????

Hundreds of little puppies stamping their tiny paws. Running here and there. The ground shook with a distant rumble. A rumble all too familiar to the old couple who live in Pupland. Which was named Pupland... because of the puppies! Duh!

The oldest couple in the street, A and B. Named A and B, because C and D were copyrighted. Apparently some smart ass named his invention CD. The nerve of some people stealing ideas even before they are made. Tsk.. tsk... Anyway, they're named A and B, cause some other idiot took A & W. Thats a whole new rant all together, so don't ask me why they're called A and B. People these days have no orginality whatsover.

Moving on swiftly. This old couple were sun drying their hides. Yes, after you reach a certain age, your skin becomes extra thick. Little things don't embarass you. So its no longer considered 'skin'. Its considered a hide. Umm, like I was saying, the old couple were sunning their hides. Okay... okay, they were sun bathing.

Maybe they were sunbathing hoping that the sun would burn away some of their wrinkly bits. You see if it burned away ALL their wrinkly bits, there'd be nothing left of them. YES! They were THAT old.

The nice thing about this couple was that their wrinkles were mostly smile lines. Sure there were other lines too. Giggle lines, Grin lines. Laugh lines. Mostly happy sorta lines. There were some lines, if you looked REALLY REALLY hard, that weren't so happy. But that was a very very very long time ago. Way before the comets wiped out chinese schools and traffic jams. ( :D )

So A, the lady of the couple. Don't ask me why A is the female. Females by nature are dominating and like being the higher grade. So I gave this one to her. Oh great, now you've done it. You've sparked another one of those terrible questions. 'Do you love me enough to let me be A?'

Heres the answer. 'Honey I love you enough for you to be ALL the articles, 'A', 'an' and 'the' even!'

I'm so kind I could kick myself some times. No need for help :) Thanks for the thought tho.

Any way A was sipping her ice lemon tea and enjoyin sunning herself. She did perspire a little. Yes perspire. Only men and pigs sweat btw. Amazing how pigs managed that. After all they have no sweat glands. Perhaps this balances out the fact that men are ALL glands. Lets not go into detail on that one.

As I was saying before you interrupted, A was perspiring and baking under the sun, when a bunch of yelping occured.

'Hun, baby is at it again,' said A.

B of course being male, was fast asleep. We're immune to sounds and noise when we rest. And we rest when ever we damn well please. Well, ALMOST all noise.

'HOI! BABY IS MISBEHAVING AGAIN.' said the noise. I mean said A.

Anyone else noticed how 'Honey' was abbreviated to 'HOI' in this particular instance. This is not due to unnecessary anger or aggression. A was merely being considerate. B after all was a little older than she. His hearing was not all it used to be. Thus, 'HOI' effectively is a shorter and louder sound that B could hear clearly.

*sigh*

What a loving couple.

'Whats the bitch monster dog up to this time?' grumbled B. Old men are by nature cranky. The strikeouts are not because we were censoring. It was merely B being considerate to his lady's tastes and mumbling under his breath. Okay.. okay... so like most men, the old man was muttering to avoid his lady hearing and him getting a nagging.

'She's chasing the pups away from her toys again.' said A.

'Oh thats nice dear.' said B tactfully. Truthfully, in hope that A would drop the topic.

'Go stop her! Thats NOT nice! The poor puppies,' said A hitting new octaves as she spoke.

Women tend to do that. The higher the tone of voice they take, the clearer the sign of how upset they are. God was kind to men in that sense; when it comes to understanding women. Not so kind to our ear drums though if you ask me.

Grumbling the man went to greet his disobedient mutt. Mean while, A continued feeding their grandchild, Nicole, milk from the bottle.'

Hundreds of puppies. Grand children to love. And my lady. Thats my daydream.

:)

Puppy Blues part II

Well my pup has been growing. As has her mischief list. I once made the freudian slip of saying of calling her the master of the house. In many ways, she damn well is. :(


Two vets and me holding you down to clip your nails is ridiculous.

Biting the door frames will swifly result in mommy showing you the door.

Just because you have strong teeth now doesn't mean you need to remind us with a nibble every now and then.

Just because Juggie bites you back when you bite him, doesn't mean you can bite me n mommy for revenge.

All the yelping in the world won't save you when you've bitten mommy on her toe.

When I say sit, I mean on the floor; not on my face.

Running out of the house at light speed into the roads and forcing me to run barefooted and half naked through the streets is not amusing me.

There is a place for you to poop. Use it. At worst use Juggie's room.

Jumping high is good. Jumping bloody high is scary. Don't give me a heart attack everytime I find you at the top of my monitor or on top of the dinning table. I'm old.

You leave your poop and pee around half the house. Please don't leave your fur in the other half.

Toys are supposed to last for months, not seconds. Get a freakin attention span already!

You're allowed to sit quietly. Theres no need to be hyperactive 24 hours a day. There's no rule in the doggy heaven book against that. At least theres DEFINITELY no rule against that in the master's handbook.

Not all visitors share my love for you. Jumping and licking them only scares the hell out of them. Be grateful I've managed to stop you from being kicked so far.

Licking some ones toes, then going for my face is a major no no. If I ever get althetes foot on my face, I'll know where to aim my vacuum cleaner.

Tripping mommy over the stairs results in a scolding. For ME! After the natterings about not training you properly, be sure that the newspaper will visit your bottom with impact!

Mommy is a bit slow. When she squeals in what she thinks is a cute baby voice, bear with her. Mistaking her for a dying rodent doesn't mean you can put her out of her misery with a chomp.

When we mix your regular food with meat treats, for heavens sake, PRETEND to eat SOME of the regular food. Don't divide out the treat and eat only that.

As people grow older, they mellow down. I SURE AS HELL HOPE THAT APPLIES TO YOU TOO!

I love my puppy... :D

2000!

Wow that was fast. In around 3 months theres been 2000 visits to this site. I know its not exactly kennysia / xiaxue calibre but heck thanks for the reading guys. I'm pretty happy to know theres people who actually like reading the crap stuff that I write!

Well thanks again :D

I'm so knackered

Being out of shape sucks. I know round is a shape but its a shape that doesn't allow you to exercise very well thats for sure!

My knees and ankles ache like hell. Must the extra 9kg. I just want to apologise to all the fat people who have felt insulted from reading my blog entries.

'I'm sorry you're fat and felt insulted by reading my blog entries'.


See, now I don't deserve to go to hell. Whatcha mean even hell wouldn't take me?

Seriously though, this has kinda given me an insight to how overweight people might feel. I'm by no means over weight, perhaps even still a tad underweight. But the extra pounds really pack a punch. You feel sluggish, slow and uncoordinated when you move.

I was told that I looked like a pregnant woman. Its wind lar! I swear it. No beer belly. No fat pouch. Just plain wind.

*eats baked beans anxiously to prove point*

Old age catchs up with all of us I guess. But at 25 I am BARELY old okay! No yu-chan... I just SEEM ancient. Most of my bits work fine and nothing's rotting off yet. Thus, I'm still reasonably young. Heck they make sitcoms about 20 somethings like me. Misguided, pseudo humoruous and definately misfits of society.

A wise man, probably a woman if you asked me, said that for men, biologically its downhill all the way from 18. Cause your hormone levels only fall after that age and never peak again. Yes. Definately a woman.

Theres a saying that goes, 'Men are like fine wine, and they taste better as they age.'

Who the heck would want to 'taste' a wrinkly 100 year old dude. Dumbest saying I've ever heard to be honest. Man if we're gonna use some adatage to make ourselves feel better, at least let it be one that makes some sense.

Like

'The fireplace maybe old, but the fires still burns.'
(This ones been used a lot I guess.)

'If wrinkles were horses, I'd be rich and have a herd(s?).'

'I'm not old, I'm a recycled teenager'
(ok ok... so this one I didn't come up with myself... tm'ed even by whoever did)

'Youth is like running uphill, wisdom is sweet downhill all the way'
(some how this one isn't very reassuring, 'senility' could replace 'wisdom' pretty easily in this sentence)

'That's not old. That's young challenged'

and of course, my personal favorite :

'So what if I'm old, you're fat (and?) ugly'

Going to hell you said? See you there. You laughed too ;)

Interesting site...

http://yourguysxxxposed.blogspot.com/ (thanks to yy for telling me about the site)

For those over hormonalised amongst you gentleman, beware. Theres a grope group of ladies going around posing a cyber sex targets. What you get as you can see from the website is a rather humiliating experience. You get some weird ass situation that they put you in (the one about breast feeding is classical), that group of people laughing at you, and even worse, published on the website as a perv.

I for one never quite got the thrill of cyber sex. Whats the big deal about a bunch of words? Might as well read a book or something. Half the time the people can BARELY speak coherent english, let alone write well enough to be termed pseudo erotic. Us male species must be getting really desparate. Either that or evolution is screwing around with our sexual desires and hormonal rates.

This in a sense does make sense. Since there is obviously a lower men to women ratio, so mother nature kicks up our hormones a few gears to make sure enough pro-creation takes place. Thus, the already horny species of mankind is now even hornier!

Its pretty pathethic tho. With that lower ratio, you think that men would be able to get girl friends easier. Or wives even. Then they wouldn't have to resort to some internet sleaze and madame hand and her 5 daughters. Whats even weirder is when people who ARE married or who DO have girlfriends, still opt for the internet fling.

This is completely beyond my understanding! Is there some kind of thrill exchanging pornographic language with some stranger over the net. For all you know that person may be the ugliest person you will ever smell. Worse still. It might be another dude looking for kicks. I shudder to think of it.

Anonymous sex. A friend said theres something animalistic about it that is attractive. Something that is completely base and ... well dirty that turns her on. Yes. Occasionally there ARE women who actually turn up on the otherside of the fence. And no, I won't give names or introduce you. =P

She said that there was something attractive just being possesed by a complete stranger. Knowing that no emotions or feeling were involved. Just sex. That there was a kind of freedom. Before you go throwing names like 'slut' or anything else derogatory, understand that different people have different perspectives and needs. And please respect them even if you do not agree with them.

To me, the whole issue is a puzzle to me.At the tender... okay... not so tender age of 25, I'm pretty much exhausted hunting for a life partner or even a girl friend. And I definately can't imagine having sex with some one just for kicks.

What would you say after? What would you say before? Nothing I'm told. Just shut up and do your thing as she explained to me.

So no conversation, no cuddling, no kissing. Where the hell is the fun in that? This kind of contact is what reassures you and builds on your esteem. Imagine if you slept with some one and all they did was roll over for a smoke, then dressed and left. Or worse still. Left 100 bucks on the table and leave!

And this is anonymous sex we're talking about. Not even the cyber sex crap where the only contact you have... is umm... with yourself!

Puzzle puzzle puzzle. Perhaps people are a lot more desparate and have a lot lower self esteem than I think. What else could drive them towards a cyber shag, or an anonymous shag? A sense of adventure?

I would never ever consider it adventure to be honest. God knows what you can catch in this day and age of HIV and STDs. Condoms are 99% safe. Theres still that 1 freakin percent. A risk I rather take buying the lottery rather than finding my male bits falling off or worse.

Maybe I'm just getting old. Cyber sex? Can eat?

Lick Hung Chinese school parents

Dear God. The parents from this chinese school are insane. There are around 5 thousand + students in the school. Each and EVERY single parent insists on appearing at the door step of the school to chauffer their kid home. Thats like 5000+ cars in a small and narrow road. It took me 1.5 hours to get from one end of the road to another.

1.5 hours!

Do you have any idea how much I could have done in 1.5 hours?

I could have watched a movie.
I could have wrote an article.
I could have written numerous stories.
I could have played pool.

Heck there are so many I could have's I don't even want to continue listing them down.

This school is so popular, and supposedly up market that people are actually buying houses and moving into the area so that their kids can study there. They start tuition at the tender age of 7! SEVEN! Thank god I'm all grown up. I can't imagine going to tuition at the age of seven.

Furthermore, the kids all have crew cuts. The girls have ear length hair more or less and the boys have little hair. This prevents anyone from being jealous of someone else's look or hairdo. It also emasculates any sense of individuality if you ask me. This school doesn't produce good students. It produces GREAT robots!

If wish I had a digital camera. Then I could take a photograph and show ya'll how insane the traffic jam is in the first place. It took like 3 minutes to move half a yard. Thats practically crawling pace. The entire journey from my house to the school is probably less than 500 metres. And it took 1.5 hours! I'm so damn speechless.

Walking home would definately have been faster. I don't understand why they send their precious little tykes to school if they're gonna have to camp outside when the children finish school.

Let them take the BUS for goodness sake. Or heaven forbid.... LET THEM WALK! Oh. My. God. I said it. LET THEM WALK! But but, their kid could get kidnapped, raped and chopped into tiny pieces.

In that case, why not hire personal bodyguards for them. Yes. Each child should have their own body guard. Perhaps even their own radius alarm system. Should anyone inflitrate that radius, the police station should be alerted immediately.

Why stop there? Kids need to protect themselves right? Buy your child fire arms rights. You should be so much more at ease knowing your child is packing metal when he's walking home. If any one tries to screw around with him, the kid can simply just blow him away. Quite literally.

See! So many solutions to the situation, rather than cost poor innocent road users, who get caught in the maelstorm that is after chinese school hours a huge ass traffic jams.

That or parents could send their kids on the school bus or let them walk home. But hell... I think the firearms, personal security and radius alarms are more likely to happen.

Multi Lingual Computer People

What on earth is wrong with you computer people??? Just look at this list from the top of my head:

1. Java

2. Java script

3. perl

4. SGM

5. XHTML

6. UDP

7. TCP

8. IP

9. HTML

ARGGHHH ANY MORE of these initials and I will GO INSANE.. WHATS WRONG WITH U COMPUTER PEOPLE??? Make one language and stick to it damnit. My ppoooorrrrr brain so much space is gonna be wasted for this crap that I will never use again...

Seriously. So many languages. Can't some genius just standardise everything in some great giant Programming for Super Dummies book or something. Just looking at the names let alone finding out what some of these things function for gives me a stupendous head ache.

I can hear some of you saying 'Hey its not so bad! Come here and I'll explain to you what they mean.'

BEGONE! GO! GO! AWAY WITH THOU!

I seriously refuse to learn multiple languages to converse with a piece of hardware or software even. Thats just PLAIN SAD. When some one asks, 'So how many languages do you speak' Do you computer people snort and giggle while answering '16.. Pearl, XHMTL, Java... etc (insert more computechtalk here)'. The poor bloke would probably shake his head and this this techie needs to be disected from his computer.

If its not bad enough that there are three zillion languages that us non techie people have to figure out. Imagine my frustration when I hear conversations like this :

'So what OS are you running?'

'Me? I run a winblow and a linsux.'

'Wahh! both OS'es ar!' (please insert cyber orgasm here)

I find out OS means operating system. Fair enough more tech talk. Winblow and Linsux? If were're not confused enough, they decided to give their own little pet names to the OS'es. Winblows is windows and Linsux is Linux. Where do you draw the line? How many headaches will you visit upon us non techies???

Computers are complicated creatures, I hear you drool. But aren't humans as well? How many languages do 'WE' speak? Definately not 1 million and three hundred and fifty six!

So I say

'STANDARDISE!' STANDARDISE!'

And save a non techie some brain space and short term memory. Heaven forbid it goes into your long term memory. *shudder*

The hotseat

Sometimes friends can be SO cruel... thats CAPITAL

C R U E L



This dude had one too many. His friends decided to put him in a hot seat. A different kinda of hot seat from the one I want to talk about though. I think this hot seat is more painful and possibly lethal.

The hotseat I want to talk about is in my baby car. Mini terror I like to call her. As you know I like things in small packages. I'm a firm believer of good things come in small packages!

This is my ride. As in a picture of the same car type. CLICK ME to donate digi camera.



I'm not gonna go into how many cow power or moron litres that my lil car can pack or has packed. All I know is her hotseat treatment packs a nasty punch! My buddy and I were having a drink at the local coffee shop. When we were done, we headed back to the car. I think he insinuated that my car was small.

Oh! Big mistake! She has napolean syndrome. (Little car with big personality... i.e. gets cranky like a woman PMS'ing when refered to as small)

Cold shoulder treatment? No way! She's brought it up a notch. To show her displeasure, she gave him the 'HOT SEAT' treatment. Like her owner she's a closet S&M junkie methinks. Upon sitting down, I hear my buddy squealing 'HOT HOT HOT!' fanning his butt frantically! My seat was perfectly cool and fine.

Voila the hotseat treatment. My mini terror strikes again!

I bet that left an impression. HAH! Or perhaps a few boils even eh Mingy? *Grins*

Don't mess with my little terror tho. When her owner has been in a less than sober state, she's kept up with some big timers. I remember tailgating a perdana, a waja and even a mercedes. I hate it when people think because they drive a larger car they can push my lil terror around. She's not too fond of it either. So many times I've had to stop her from kicking their butts with her bumper. Oh wait. That was the alcohol not my car!

Little car with a big heart. Some one once asked me to convert my car into a gas guzzling turbo engine'd one. As if I don't get into enough accidents without the extra help! No thanks man. I like to keep my car mostly intact. Same goes with my body. The important bits should be attached to the main frame. The car ... AND my body that is.

The beauty of this poor man's mini cooper is that it fits almost anywhere! Parking is almost never a problem. This pays soooo much when you get conned into going into those stupidly packed shopping complexes.

No parking? No problem.

Just park on the curb. You're too um... big challenged to cause an obstruction.

Not to mention the fun you have weaving in and out like a needle when the freakin streets of Malaysia are jammed. Which is like 23/7. I'll leave an hour out to be safe. There are the occassional oddities when the roads are clear.

I can't imagine why people drive auto cars. Like my mom's Kembara. Its like a mobile tissue box. It roars like hell but refuses to move. Like one of those angry bulls who are too damn lazy to move no matter how hard you pull at her nose ring.

I like my car. Incase you didn't get the idea by now ;)

*~New blogsite~*

Yes, the stars are girly and tacky. Totally unsuited to the vile content of this malfunctional blog of mine. :D

Truth is I'm semi-keeping a promise and making a new blog site for my stories. This way I keep mush from my evil site. So thats where I get to post my mush poems and raving for lack of a home for my heart too. Thus this webspace effectively converts into what it was meant to be in the first place, my evil (albeit humorous) alter-ego. Vince with a 3. As in Vinc3, you nit wit.

The other webbie is a collection of stories I've written for children as Bince. Uncle Bince if you insist on unnecessary details. So if you like kids, pop me a read and tell me what you think.

Most of the stuff there is published or waiting publication. So obviously there are copyright issues. DO NOT RIP OFF MY WORK.

This is against my better judgement. But well. Heck it.

http://mahstories.blogspot.com/

Stupid Crazy People - part II

So here's part two. Yes. I realise its not quite as funny as it should be. What can I say? I'm trying hard. Its hard writing with a piece of you missing.
__________

So apart from the screaming and hysteria the lady in the toilet cooked up, I also had huge problems with my own gender not using their intelligence.

There is a very huge sign on the door which states:

KNOCK BEFORE YOU ENTER!

Apparently this was one syllable too many this group of people to understand. Without fail, when ever I was in a shower, one or two morons would walk in on me. I tell ya, this annoyed me to no end. How on earth are you supposed to take a comfy hot shower in the constant fear that some moron would walk in and give you a cheesy apology... AFTER looking you up and down.

Seriously. These people are so stupid that it was scary.

As a final resort, I placed a dirty towel on the door knob. Hoping that if the sign did not work, the towel would give the message that the shower was occupied. This worked amazingly well. Super amazingly well.

As I took my shower, I heard someone say in Malay 'Mamat mana yang bodoh sangat tertingal tuala kat sini?' (this translates to : 'Which idiot was so stupid to leave his damn towel here?) and the door opened. Oh IRONY .... thy sharp wit doth rend my soul apart....

Not ONE person. A group of 5 people who were running to the toilet to steal a smoke. I can tell you this much. I got so fed up i threw my shampoo, soap and anything else that was within grasping range. Well almost anything that was in grasping range. I kept my towel. Needed to maintain what tiny shreds of modesty I had left after all.

Assuming there is ANY modesty left after 5 morons with a bunch of ciggies see you buck bloody naked.

It stings

I don't quite know whats broken but somethings not quite working inside. I know I'm hurting but I'm not sure why or how its hurting.

This is super short and super emotional... but I'm seriously out of words for now. I'm seriously sorry to those of you who do enjoy reading my crap. I'll be back when I can. Right now I don't feel so sure of myself and I don't feel so funny. Not in that way any way.

Some thing broke
and I don't know where
all I can do
is sit and stare.

Somethings missing
but I can't figure out what
Something hurting
some where close to the heart.

When did you go
and when did you leave
Can some one tell me when
I can feel relieved

Cause everythings messed up
and screwed around
I'm feeling so bad
feeling so damn down

It feels like you're here
but you're already gone
You left prints on my heart
which are barely worn

Where did you go?
Why did you go?
I don't understand
even though I do know.

It makes no sense to me
It doesn't feel real
It makes no sense to me
the pain I feel.

You weren't the first
but I wanted you to be the last
My future and present
that took over the past.

I know I love you
and I know this too
I loved then
and my love is still true

I hate my writing... it barely expresses a tenth of what I feel right now.

Ban morons from posting opinions on the net

In my honest point of view, people are born stupid. The more talented ones are born brainless. This guy I just read is seriously the best talent I've seen in years. I'd love to post his little website here for you people to read, but I have friends feelings to consider. So instead I'll just fume at the fact morons are morons and the fact that people get away with ridiculous prejudices. I'd love to meet some one like this in real life and talk to them. Cut their freaking ego down to size and perhaps grow a cell or two of intelligence into their thick skull.

If you want the web address email me or msg me on MSN. THAT I can do.

In defence of women

[ Brian] said:
last time my friend wanted me to go shoping with her
[ Brian] said:
*sees her run here and there through every inch of every store*
[ Brian] said:
=.=" thoughts(my feet hurt)

Vince - Ball time soon - said:
ahhahaa

[ Brian] says:
they refuse to take the easy way

Vince - Ball time soon - says:
of course not
Vince - Ball time soon - says:
shopping is a sport!
Vince - Ball time soon - says:
the easy way is cheating!

So how many agree disagree? If only I knew how to make polls here. Post a comment!

Women....

I'm sure you've read this before... but I've rewritten it for the pure pleasure of wasting a post. Bite me. Not too hard though... I bruise easy.

Day 1 : God created the light. God saw it was good and God rested.
Day 2 : God created night and day. God saw it was good and God rested.
Day 3 : God created the oceans. God saw it was good and God rested.
Day 4 : God created mountains. God saw it was good and God rested.
Day 5 : God created plants. God saw it was good and God rested.
Day 6 : God created animals. God saw it was good and God rested.
Day 7 : God created man. God saw it was good and God rested.
Day 8 : God made women.


....



....

Neither God nor man have rested since.

Hey is there anything
That’s inside of me
Left of what was and
what used to be

I wonder now
Sitting here alone
What I did wrong
What I can do to atone

Shattered dreams
Endless nightmares
Angry voices
Disappointed stares

Is this who you are
Is this what you are
Empty inside
Like a dead star

Where did
your easy laughter go
That used to shake your body
from head to toe

Are these frowns
the new you?
The tears sadness
and anger too?

Is there anything
left of me there?
Not one bit.
No one cares.

I'm lazy to type up lotsa new stuff so I'mma post up some more old stuff. :D

Stupid Crazy People

For those of you who aren't aware, I had a mental collapse of sorts for the past two weeks. A lil bit of stress kinda knocked me over on the head. Coupled with a fall down a flight of steps; I was pretty much out of action. So I went to a ward to recover.

What do you get when you get a bunch of people, (mostly nuts who are unhinged and there resting to recover as well) three working toilets and no locks.

You get H E L L.

Or H E A V E N .

Depending on your point of view.

VERY L I T E R A L LY !!!

(thank you my little editor... where would I be w/o you? ... making MORE spelling mistakes probably :D? DefinItely)

It all depends if you're the one being walked in on, or the one doing the walking in on. I was at first tempted to named this post: ' Some guys, A Laughing Lady, a Naked Dude and an Unlocked Toilet.'

The first incident involved a very very stressed out young lady stormin our 'camp side'. She ran all the way to the gents and burst open the door. Lo and behold, there was Vince, naked as the he was on the day he hatched (all evil things come from eggs, look at chickens). She pointed south and began laughing hysterically.

Not to be outdone, I pointed at her face and started laughing even louder. Making baby splashes as I laughed but thats too much detail no? Alas, I stray from the point. Lucky I didn't say the tip. That would bring all sorts of evil imagery. Wouldn't want that now would we?

Any ways, my counter hysteria has its effect on her, as she is quite baffled by the time the guards manage to get hold of her and get her into control. She is dumbfounded. What on earth is he laughing at? My face? My nose? My teeth?

Quite the effect I wanted. Someone with some kinda pseudo authority in the camp then asks:

'Are you okay?'

I reply:

'Yea. Of course I am. Its not a big deal.'
(No... no no no~~~~ THAT particular THAT is a big deal... HONEST!!!!... never mind... .. . . .)

He says:
'Great. You're handling this really well. I thought you'd be freaked out. Is there anything I can get you?'

To which I whisper :

'Yea. A mirror and a tape measure.'

I'll post more about the rest of the 'rest camp' later.

been unwell for the past week. sorry but there won't be any new posts for the time being =)

Nature vs Nurture?

What is a person's nature? Something that is ingrained into them by their genetics.Science dictates that the codes of who we are or will become are encrypted into our bodies upon the first conception and during the course of our mothers pregnancy.

Nurture? This is basically the environment that we are raised in. How the different interactions and experience we undergo in our environment reinforce certain parts of our personalities through both negative and positive reinforcement. Go read a psych book or ask Sher-Mayne (mumsy <3 ). I'm just a casual reader :p

In general scientists have come to the conclusion that both nature and nurture affect the final personality and person we become.

So then, which is my nature and which is my nurture, I hear you asking. Damned if I know to be honest! I'm still trying to figure out where I left my car keys let alone complex questions like that.

An additional complexity to add to this puzzle would be religion. Oh! Taboooooooo subbbjecccttt!!!

If poetry feeds the soul...

no wonder I'm such a skinny bugger!

*shushes yu chan*


The One

If I can't be,
your burning sun;
if I can't be
that special one,

then I'll be the wind,
that soothes your soul.
The calm in the air,
that keeps you whole.

I'll be the warmth,
that fills the empty space.
The whisper that puts
smiles on your face.

I'll be the gentle breeze
that dries your tears.
The cleansing air,
that clears your fears.

I'll be the soft echo,
of your tinkling laughter.
The calm before the storm,
and your strength after.

If you ever feel,
no one's there to care.
Close your eyes.
The wind is always there.

Adobe Photoshop Magic!

Before Magic



After Magic



who cares if your phone cam has so so pixels! With adobe anything can be fixed.

Nyek nyek to all of you people who spent millions on a 201232131244 mega pixed camera *grins*

Oh and its a good thing we didn't name the pup 'Lady'. Look at how she's sitting! *shakes head*

Still... some major cute points no?

Okay so I'm too lazy/tired to post anything today. Its a good thing no ones paying me for this :o

Hows this for an idea then. I know I've been ever so cruel to ugly people in my blogging. I'm about to make it up to you now! Send me your ugliest picture and entitle it : 'Make me Beautiful' and I'll do just that and post the top three here in my blog :D

If you're super confidant about your looks or have a friend you think could use a knock down or two confidence wise, send me an email entitled : 'Make me Vince' and I'll bring out the 'dark' side of him.

cgdevoli@hotmail.com

all in good fun ;)

Non perfomance? Get a lawyer!!

This one's pretty hilarious - taken from this blog - http://www.myboyfriendisatwat.com/

Do pop by and take a read, she's got a nice touch with her perspectives and writing style. And no, I'm not advertising for a friend, just happened to browse by and take a read. Any way :

Ten Hubbies and still a VIRGIN?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it." "

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

1000!

Yea yea.. I know its lame celebrating 1000 hits... but heck... this is my HOUSE... ummm... blog. So I can be as lame as I want! :p

Thanks to ya'll for reading me.

I'll post the 'cure' to the haze later. Hold your breaths for the solution to all solutions.

One

Vince

The Towel Story

Thanks a LOT Audrey! *waves fist*

Okay... here goes people. This will be your laugh at my expense for the month. This happened some time last year. Or perhaps even before that. Like I said, Audrey is a database of peoples embarassing and happy moments. If you want a more specific date go run a search on her database :p

Mine got corrupted by nicotine and alcohol a long time ago.

So here goes, I had just taken a shower and discovered that I had no shorts and no boxers to wear! My little indon maid of the house @ my younger brother must have left the clothes at the back to dry. So I head off to the back yard, dressed in my towel alone.

So I open the back door and head to the backyard. As I step out, a very very very strong gust of wind blows the door shut. I am highly suspicious murphy had something to do with this. The door by another murphy miracle locked itself shut. Please insert much cursing here.

I was late for a lunch appointment and in a huge rush. Fortunately for me, there was a stick I could use to reach the keys which were on the kitchen table. So I stretch for the keys, using the stick to hook the keys. Trust me it isn't as easy as it may seem. It took me a good 15 minutes to do this. When I finally managed to hook the keys, I flicked the stick to 'throw' the keys towards me. Again, I suspect Murphy lent me some unwanted and uninvited strength. The flick was too powerful, and the keys flew. I watch its majectic flight in super slow motion, as it flew to the OTHER door of my yard. Yup, the OTHER LOCKED one.

Please insert more cursing here.

It wasn't so bad this time though. The keys were within reach, all I had to do was put my hand through the fence and pick them up. Sounds simple aye?

Shame on you. NOTHING in this freakin world is as simple as it seems.

Just as I was reaching for the keys, a golden retriever pops along and decides to be friendly with my hand. Not that I minded very much, but I really wanted the keys. The mutt decided to nuzzle my hand and basically get in between my hand and the keys. Annoyed, I try to scare the dog away from my hand.

At this point, her intelligence kicks in.

'Oh! Human wants key! Me help.'

She (I did not have time to ascertain the dog's gender, but only females can be this nosey and completely misunderstand a mans intentions) decides that the keys are an object of curiousity more worthy than my hand. She nuzzles the keys at first, which isnt' such a bad thing. Then she goes into pre-pounce stance.

At this point, I realised I was in deep shit.

The mutt jumped my keys and started pulling it away from me ever slowly. I shout at the mutt, going 'NO! BAD ! NO!.'

To my HUGE suprise. It works. She backs off the keys. Now to get to the keys, I REALLY need to stretch. So I stretch my bestest. Then.... the next disaster occurs. I feel a tug on my towel.

Apparently, she decided that I was an ungrateful person. After all, all she did was try to HELP. I, being aforementioned ungrateful and mean human, screamed my lungs out and ranted at her. Such bad behavior should be PUNISHED. And she decided that in this case, HUMILIATION would be more appropriate than pain. Instead of biting me, she decided to strip me instead.

So here I am, on hand reaching for the keys desparately, the other holding on to my towel for dear life. After 5 to 10 minutes of this tussle or so, the neighbour appears.

'Oh! Look! Angel's 'playing' with the neighbour'.

PLAYING??? PLAYING?????



I was too speechless to say anything. Such BLATANT stupidity would only cause me to waste my breath should I explain the real situation. So I ignore the moron and continue reaching for my keys. And she continues watching her dog molest my towel.

I took me another good 10 minutes to get my keys, but not before the mutt manages to make me half moon my neighbour. I swear, the damn mutt looked freaking smug!

The best part is, there were no clothes out to dry in the back yard. They were all neatly folded and placed in the TV room. So all the trauma I underwent was completely unnecesary!

So this is the story. To those of you who asked me if I flashed anyone in a towel, if I did a strip tease or if I stole a towel... well I'll bear that in mind for my next adventure with my keys and towel.

Yea... over YOUR dead body.

Sorry guys

am a little too sad to post anything funny today :0

I'll not post anything that borders on emo or too mushy

I do however promise ya'll and update with the following :

1) golden showers to sumatera
2) what happened with the whole shower fiasco Audrey was describing

oh and two more short notes :

1) thank you for your emails. I love reading them. However, I do not post cute stuff on this blog apart from articles on my pup. This blog is like my bitching and whining centre. I have my very own special 'cute and lovable' centre. (the toilet is that way for those of you who feel the urge to regurgiate*wink*) Don't don't bother posting asking me to do that. My children stories are not posted here because there are many an ass who would rip off my hard work. Which worse still is not just mine, but part of the effort and trust children have put in me. I'll not take that risk. I'm sorry.

2) There is a reason I did not allow comments on the previous post, and did not mention names. Please respect this decision I made. At first I wasn't even going to post the poem I wrote. If you like it, thank you. If you did not; thats okay. God bless you and may your bits sag to the floor and save you expenses on buying mops and brooms . :)


be safe

Vince

Rest easy my friend

I wish I was closer and that was something I could do. I'm sorry we didn't get to say goodbye bud. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Be safe.

Something Sad

Something sad, happened today
My dad fell sick and went away
I wished that daddy would stay
But mommy said things will be okay.

Daddy was uncomfy and not very well,
So God cast a good magic spell.
He took daddy’s soul from its shell,
to a pretty place with no bad smells.

Mommy said its okay to cry,
But I don’t understand or know why.
Is daddy up there, somewhere in the sky?
I wished he’d come down... and tell me ‘Hi!’

I bet that it’s really nice, way up there,
with God’s tender love and gentle care.
I can imagine the angels flying everywhere.
But I just can’t see, even if I stare and stare.

I wonder if daddy will remember me
Or the time he helped me climb down the tree.
Maybe daddy’s happy as it should be
But I really wish,

I wish daddy was here with me.

Learning the HARD way

Just occured to me that my pup really does enjoy learning things the hard way. But then again, don't we all? ;)


Baby Speaks :



1) Your Master

• Jumping your master at 6am in the morning, while very affectionate, results in a very swift butt kicking regardless of the fact your masters 'dame' finds it hugely amusing.
• If you don't want a grumpy master, howling your teats off all night generally does not help this. Your master tend to get uglier and crankier with less sleep.
• When your master says 'Shut up, I'm trying to sleep.' He doesn't mean 'What? I can't hear you.'
• Looking guilty after pooping into your masters favorite slippers doesn't mean you'll get away with it.
• Licking your masters hands to lull him into a false sense of security before jumping and biting his nose works. Too well. Your master doesn't require the extra practice of swinging the rolled newspaper into your butt. Your butt most definately does not need the rolled newspaper.
  Somethings are not meant to be shared. Your master's boxers, briefs and shorts are one of those things.
• While struggling during baths may seem amazingly fun, your master is not normally amused when he turns up wetter than you are.
• When your master throws a treat/toy into your cage, he is DEFINATELY going to lock you in.

2) Heights, furniture and other pesky things

• What goes up must come down. Getting to high places is awful fun. Getting stuck there is just plain awful.
• Jumping onto the top of the couch when no one is around is cool. Not knowing how to get down when no one is around is NOT.
• Just because it LOOKS like you can walk through it, doesn't mean you CAN walk through it. Glass is tricky like that.
• Beetles do not smell good as they do not like being sniffed. Ten minutes of rubbing your nose and sneezing will teach you that.
• Just because something smells good, does not mean it tastes good. Stay away from perfume bottles.
• I know it is natural to chase or bark at cats. It is common sense however to wait until they aren't twice your size and you don't have to hide behind your master to bark at them.
• Surprising anything that is bigger than you and could squish you like a fly is a bad idea.
• Running up and down the stairs is fun. Falling down them not so.
• Having your temperature taken is not only unnatural... it is downright traumatizing. Avoid this at all cost.

3) Your master's lady

• Eating a flower is a bad idea. Eating a rose your master walked 30 minutes in the rain to get is a WORSE idea.
• Trying to eat the whole flower, bud, stem and leaves and all; is quite impossible to do. Your master isn't quite as slow or dumb as he looks. Honestly.
• Love letters and portraits are not for mauling. Your master has a habit of returning the favor to your buttocks when you do that.
  Jumping and licking your master's lady friend so that she tastes and smells like you doesn't please your master. He loves you but thats pushing the limit.
• When your master says he wishes he could mute you so that he can get some QT with his lady friend, then realising this statement shocks his friend, he claims to be joking; trust me, he isn't.
• Any discomfort cause to your master's lady tends to result in ten times that discomfort inflicted on your bottom.

4) Your masters dame

• Disturbing a big lady when she is enjoying her meal is not a good idea. Biting her toes will result in her mistaking you for part of the meal and biting you as well. Humans are vengeful like that.
• Scratching fanatically when your master is trying to convince his dame that you have no fleas is shooting yourself in the leg. Or in this case, jabbing yourself in the butt.
• Being fastidiously clean is good. However, avoid licking your 'bits' when your master is convincing his dame that she should let you 'kiss' her.
• The view you get from leaning on the slide away door, after you've climbed the couch is nice. It isn't nice, however, when the masters dame screams 'WTF ARE YOU DOING THERE?'. This not only scaring the crap out of you, but also making you lose your precarious balance and land on the very hard, cold marble floor.

5) Guests

• Just because people are allergic to you, doesn't mean you have to like them even more.
• Being sexist and overfriendly with only females of your masters species is bad for your tush health.
• Sticking your cold nose where its not wanted is a bad idea. Your master would get slapped for training you to do indecent things by his lady friends. Amusing as this is, don't doubt for a second he will reimburse you each ounce of discomfort.

Any one have anything to add to this list? ;)

Also the pup pic isn't a pic of my pup... its someone else's extremly cute pup named Sony. Get me a digi cam and I'll post pics ahhaah...

Her Royal Canineness

'Hail and greetings majesty.' *bows deeply*
Who am I talking to?
Well obviously not you.
I'm talking to the Queen of the House. Princess actually, she's a little young to be Queen.

Its been a month plus since our lil puppy has moved in with us. Finally we have established who is who in our little pack. More importantly, who is 'the boss'.

The puppy! :( :( :( (yes... its VERY WTF??)

A friend describes our little pack as 'the three humans wrapped around Baby's little tail.' So very very apt!

Don't get me wrong. Baby still does listen to me when i tell her to do things... Well.. occasionally... Alright... once in a blue moon! (when I am holding food mostly) But she has a way about her that makes you end up doing what she wants. Either its the puppy eyed look when you're about to dump her into the cage, the innocently wagging tail when your rolled up newpaper is about to get acquainted with her bottom or just the accusing whines when u leave her alone too long.

A good example would be when I am at the computer and writing stuff. She has the habit of running and nibbling my toes. Should that fail, she will sit down and stare at me. Should that fail too, she'll bark at me. Eventually I give in and reach for her. Even as I reach for her, she lifts her fore legs, preparing her royal puppyself to be carried into my lap. Upon gracing my lap, she is very fastideous about arranging her surroundings (i.e my poor thighs) into a comfortable bedding. My reward for being a loyal subject is then pin and needles from the lil mutt. But she looks so peaceful when she's asleep I don't wanna move and wake her.

Like most females, She really is a manipulative little bitch puppy.

Last night we removed the carpet from the living room. The doc said it was unhealthy for her as she enjoys sitting her blue blooded butt on the carpet and munching on her food there. All sorts of dirt and germs could hop into her food according to the vet.

Removal was not enough for the pup tho. She took it one step further. Some how as we were getting rid of the carpet, she was most upset that her royal chambers were being moved without her consent. She started whining and barking at me. Thus, I was ordered by the bigger bitch *cough* my mom, to make a carpet that fit nicely into her little den (okay its a damn cage... but the word cage sounds so prison like :( ).

I could almost hear the pup thinking this :

'Stupid humans giving me hand me downs again.'

Worse still, they don't show ANY respect. The damn carpet is not even RED. I bet Princess Horse Camelia, doesn't have to put up with this. I guess it will do. Alas, the burdens I have to bear.'

*waves front paw like the Queen Mother*

She was obviously thrilled with her new carpeting. She ran into the cage, sat her butt down. Ran back to the living room and sat down. It was as if she were comparing the feel of the carpet in her cage and in the living room, to confirm they were equally easy on her tush.

That being said and done, I love the lil monster to bits. As do the rest of my family. Its been a while since there was so much laughter in this house. :)

With Friends Like This...

Who the hell needs enemies???
A friend sent this to me... I wonder if he's trying to be nice or scare the hell outta me... heehe...



When you are sad, ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ... stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ... I pledge 'til the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend

Hairy Armpits

This is a conversation I had about some one breaking up with me with a friend. I decided to have a little fun. :D Tis a true story which the only thing that got altered was the dudes name. I'm not a COMPLETE bastard.

Hotty : What happened there?
VNc3! : she complained I have hairy armpits and left ;)
(I was kidding hence the wink)

Hotty : are you serious?
VNc3!: VERY
(sarcasm anyone?)

Hotty : omg! thats sad~
(at this point i realised he took me seriously and decided to play along)

VNc3! : yea I know :( I shave every day now :((
Hotty : serious?
VNc3! : yea... couldn't take it if some one else told me the same thing :((
Hotty : wow! well i know someone who is so mauch hairyer than you!
Hotty : trust me i thought his harry legs were pants once!
VNc3: really? he must feel real insecure about that :(
Hotty : nah not anymore!
VNc3!: oh? how come?
Hotty : he jsut isnt anymore!
VNc3!: thats good for him
Hotty : yeah!
VNc3!: does he shave too?
Hotty : nope if he shaved it it would come back harrier!
VNc3! : but.. I mean... how did he deal with it?
Hotty : he just doesnt care! he isnt self concious!
VNc3! : really... man I wish I were like him :((..
VNc3! : ya know... this one time... my aunt edna... when I was seven... she let out this awful loud fart... and blamed it on me... I've been traumatized about farts ever since then man... :((
Hotty : serious? thats kinda sad!!!!
Hotty : i mean about her fart!
VNc3! : I guess...
VNc3! : oh I thought abt me feeling bad about it :(
Hotty : lol! nah man im not mean like that!
VNc3! : heh.. yea I know...
VNc3! : poor aunt edna... I feel sorry for her too :(
Hotty : lol! anywasy man i so tired!!! im gonna head to bed!
VNc3! : take care buddy :)

Please be polite when you visit Malaysia

Today a foreigner visiting our lovely country asked me about the phrase 'Kan Ni Neh' and pondered as to its meaning. I was deeply disappointed with his ignorance of our culture. So being the good samaritan I am, I took the time to explain to him the rich tradition and ideology behind this expression.

The expression 'Kan Ni Neh' hails from the chinese part of our local culture. As you know, many of the chinese in our country have ancestors from China who migrated to Malaysia. This expression has been a part of our culture ever since then.

The origins of the expression are from the reign of Emperor Kan Ni Neh of the Qing Dynasty. It was one of the first few contacts with the 'gwai lows' or literally translated 'white devils'. Curious, the Emperor allowed a royal audience with the sailors. The Captain greeted the emperor with great respect, saying, 'We come in search of friendship.' The young emperor misunderstood and thought the Captain was introducing himself; thus said; pointing at himself 'Kan Ni Neh'.

Later on this misunderstanding was cleared up as the two parties grew more adept with each others language. However, in a touch of vanity, the young Emperor decided that henceforth, his name would be used to greet foreigners and good friends. The louder you shouted the Emperor's name, the more enthusiathic the welcome you give to your guest.

I hope with this information, visitors to our country will respect our culture more. Understanding after all builds bridges and bridges great friendship.

When you touch down in KLIA, scream at the top of your lungs, 'Kan Ni Neh', and point to as many people as you can.

I swear to you, you'll definately get a hot reception :)

My blogs not fugly anymore

Its been upgraded by yours truely to merely ugly. Anyone with 'like owner like blog' jokes will be fed to my brother. Trust me, he ain't fussy about his food. Oh wait, that was 10 years ago.

Then again, old habits die hard. Maybe he'll just chew you and spit you out this time. Runs in the family this habit does.

It took bloody ages to do it. I know its nothing amazing compared to the 'pro' html bloggers (or at least those who managed to bully/coerce/bribe/beg some one who is html savvy to help) but I'm pretty ok with how it looks right now

Ah well, had things on my mind anyway and it was a pleasant distraction. What do ya'll think?

Some how I have the feeling I'm gonna regret asking that question.

Perhaps I should ask IF ya'll think instead.

Lack of sleeps making me cranky... of to bed I go. Oh and a special thanks to L1 since I mostly based my html crap on the source of her webbie. Mucho kisses.

Later peeps.

Adam and Steve

Here is a discussion on the topic I had with L1 hehe...

eolanda says: adam and eve
Vince - says: adam n eve?
Vince - says: the modern version
Vince - says: is adam and steve
Vince - says: adam got so mad that steve tricked him into eating the apple
Vince - says: he cut steve's balls off
eolanda says: lol
Vince - says: and there you have it
Vince - says: eve
eolanda says: HAHAHAHAHAHA

There you have it ladies and gents... or should I say ex - gents and gents?
The bible did mention that a bone was removed... I'm saying a boneR was removed :D

yea yea... bite me...

Hot (pronounced hawwT~) Chicks and Dip Sticks

I had an interesting conversation with a friend about the tendency for hotties to be out with not so hotties. Ever noticed that really good looking people have a thing for mirror crackers? Its a pretty strange phenomenon if you ask me.

Obviously I'm more interested in the cun chick + ugly dude combination. Who cares if ugly chicks get all the good looking guys. All the better, as the saying goes 'Less man, more share'.

Any way, from a pseudo scientific point of view, mostly people would be hunting down, as our instincts dictate, someone genetically superior or equal to us. Like it or not thats how we were programmed: 'seek the best partner, mate and produce little versions of ourselves'

Yet, looking around, we see more and more 'mis-matches'. What on earth is going on? This is definitely against the law of nature! And if it isnt'... it damn well should be!

Her theory was that women see past the skin deepness of men. So they see the 'inner beauty' in their partner. I'm inclined to half agree. I'm sure there are couples who actually are more bothered about how their other halve looks like in the inside than on the outside. Perhaps to go as far as say that there are the rare few that managed to go past the superficial and move towards ... well the sligltly less superficial!

These kinda relationships do develop from long term friendship. Either they've known each other so long that there is utter comfort and security in each others company, thus the long road to love is paved; or their 'love' is a revelation to them. Normally after a bad break up or some thing equally traumatic, the guy just happens to be around to console the hottie... and boinggggg~ can you spell 'R E B O U N D' *cough* I mean revealation?

However, that doesn't really cover why it happens so often!

My theory is that really hot chicks are insecure creatures. Basically they date the ugliest thing they can find so that they know for sure their man won't go roaming other hen houses. So to speak. There is, for these women, a comfort and security in knowing that your man is so ugly, even if he were one of the few remaining bachelors in the world, other women would think twice before 'being with them'. They themselves being highly attractive, probably worry about one of two things.

1) What happens when they lose their looks? Will people still 'love' them if their bits sagged enough to mop the floor when they walked?
2) Obviously they've had their share of people hitting on them. So they'd know how fickle the human heart can be. What could be safer than picking some ugly dude as their boy :D? Even if he were fickle, there'd be less chances for him to cheat on them.

My friends counter point to this theory was, 'Hey! I've seen lots of ugly guys with multiple hot chicks as gf's!' This one had me stumped for a while but I think i've finally figured it out!

The guy must be a combination of this:

1) God ugly - major security points here!
2) Charismatic - definately a sweet talker
3) Sneaky as hell - bloody good at cover lining and planning his time for the different girls.

So basically we have a case of an ugly charmer who organises his time well enough to fit several hot chicks into his life. The chicks all reckon he's too ugly to get another chick, and he uses this to his full advantage! So several hotties go out with him, totally ignorant of the possiblity that he might even have the remotest chance of two timing them. There you go! Hook, line and sinker.

Sigh... this post seems a little forced for some strange reason. I can't quite find the cynicism or sarcasm I always thought I oozed through every orrifice. Maybe its because I'm tired. Maybe my perspectives are being changed for me without my permission.

*glares*

Either way, I'm feeling especially drained today. So thats all for now folks. Sorry for the crappy post. I seem to have other bigger things on my mind. Yes. The tiny bit alcohol didn't burn away.

Be safe people

I just lay there

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.

Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."

Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"

Patient: "No. Who?"

Qanta Airlines

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Yup I realise that I'm just dumping forwards that I've read on my blogs today, but between arranging meetings, interview times and writing my stories I've had precious little time to do any writing of my own, so I've mostly been reading to unwind instead.

I do have a new poem I'm working on; which I may or may not post later on. :D Have a murphy day.