She left me

A young man is seen sitting at a bar drinking alone. Every now and then, he lets out a sob and begins weeping. He takes deep breaths and tries to control his unchecked emotions. He downs his drink, and signals the bartender for another one.

From a distance, two young men are watching him and whispering about his behaviour. They decide to approach him and cheer him up.


Mark: Hey buddy. Down on your luck?

Daniel: You might say that. I just had the worst day of my life.

Sam: What seems to be the problem? Oh wait! Before that! I’m Sam.

Mark: And I’m Mark.

Daniel: My name’s Daniel.

Mark: So what seems to be the problem bud? We noticed you were looking pretty down and thought we’d share a pint and some cheer with you.

Daniel: Mywife left me today. She..

Sam: Oh my God! The bitch!

Mark: She’s the one losing out. Don’t worry buddy! We have some great ideas for you to get back at her!

Daniel: Huh? Get back at her? But…

Sam: You still love her?

Daniel: Of course I do! I …

Mark: That’s no good.

Sam: No good at all!

Daniel: But she’s my wi…

Mark: Wife? Was she thinking about you while she was boning that other guy she left you for mate? I think not!

Sam: You gotta teach the woman a lesson mate. Show her who’s boss. You get what I mean?

Daniel: I think there’s a big misunderstanding here. My wife…

Sam: She left you didn’t she?

Daniel: Yes. But…

Mark: There’s no but’s and if’s about it buddy. Point is she left you. You should move on.

Sam: Yea. But have a little fun before you move on.

Daniel sighs.

Mark: First things first! You gotta pay her back. Sleep with her sister!

Sam: Yes! Bed her sister! That will really teach her!

Daniel: She doesn’t have a sister.

Sam: Her best friend? She’s got to have a best friend right!

Daniel: Yes. But…

Mark: Her best friend it is then. Have sex with her best friend. Tape it. Send it to her and sign it as: ‘Best friends should share everything!’

Sam: I like that! Best friends should share everything!

Sam and Mark laugh.

Daniel: Like I was trying to say. Her best friends a guy. A GAY guy!

Mark: Oh. So you swing that way too huh, buddy! I have no problems with it!

Sam: Me neither. It’s cool as long as you don’t grab my ass.

Daniel: I DON’T SWING THAT WAY.

Sam and Mark laugh.

Mark: Relax buddy. We’re just kidding. Chill a little. We’re just messing with you.

Daniel: Bartender! Three Jacks on the rocks if you please!

Mark: Ok. So shagging her best friends not an option. Has she packed her stuff from your place yet?
Daniel: No. She can’t…

Sam: Can’t summon the courage to come see you eh?

Mark: Yea. That happens a lot. A good thing for you too! There’s more stuff you can do in that case.

Sam: First of all. Collect all the bitch’s panties.

Daniel: What on earth for?

Sam: Listen to the master mate. Collect all her panties and buy several tubes of wasabi. Then rub wasabi into all her panties. Make sure you rub it in deep. So the stains aren’t so apparent.

Mark: So she’ll get a freaking hot reception when she puts her panties on!

Daniel: Oh my God! That’s freaking cruel!

Sam: Then get her little play things together!

Daniel: Play things?

Mark: Her dildos and vibrators!

Sam: Her love balls!

Mark: Then rub chilli padi into them carefully. Make sure you focus on the entire tip of the toy. So when she finally notices, it will be too late!

Sam: Yeap! Imagine this! She’s wanting to get all hot and sticky from a night of pleasuring herself…

Mark: And instead she gets all hot and spicy! Chili padi spicy mate! She’ll be screaming alright! For all the wrong reasons!

Daniel laughs.

Sam: Next go pick up all her skirts and get a pair of scissors.

Daniel: Cut them up into pieces?

Mark: That’s too boring. Everyone does that!

Sam: Yea! Instead of cutting them up into pieces, cut an arrow point right at her ass region!
Mark: Yup. Tell the world that her ass is a one way street open to every one!

Sam: And if you’re REALLY lucky she might not notice it and even wear them out!

Daniel: Haha. That would definitely be a Kodak moment!

Mark: Speaking of Kodak moments, do you have any naked pictures of her?

Daniel: Well…

Sam: I take that as a yes!

Mark: A definitely yes! You kinky bugger!

Daniel grins.

Mark: Choose the juiciest most obscene picture you have of her. Colour photocopy it and make loads of cards out of them. Then use her credit card to pay for roses and one card and send it to every male in her office.

Sam: I bet you they’ll never look at her the same again!

Daniel: That’s horrible mate!

Mark: Isn’t that the idea?

Daniel laughs

Daniel: True! What else can I do?

Mark: Do you have a savings account with her?

Daniel: Yes. A matter of fact I do.

Sam: Hire a bill board in the city. Have a picture of her in it and write this: ‘I’m leaving your cheating ass. Just so you know the money’s coming from your savings account, just like the trip to Hawaii!’

Mark: You could also make an advertisement for her in the dating section in the local paper. Make it hot and slutty and write her real name and phone number in the ad. She’ll be getting calls like crazy!

Daniel: Man. You guys have given this a lot of thought haven’t you!

Mark: Just for you matie!

Sam: Do you know her messenger passwords?

Daniel: Sure do!

Sam: Great! Log into her messenger for like a few hours and talk dirty to all her friends. Guys and girls alike!

Mark: Why stop at friends! Do the same with her family members too. Can you imagine the look on her fathers face when he reads: ‘Daddy, I’ve been a bad girl! Will you spank me?’

Daniel: He’ll probably have a heart attack!

Mark: Even better!

All three of them laugh.

Daniel: Well guys. Thanks a lot for cheering me up. Listening to your ideas was hilarious.

Sam: Sure thing mate! No problem! Maybe we can come here again for another drink next Sunday. We’ll hook you up with some babes!

Daniel: I can’t next Sunday.

Mark: Why not! Don’t be a kill joy! You a single and FREE man now!

Daniel: I have a funeral to attend.

Sam: Oh? Some relative died? Sorry to hear that mate.

Daniel: Yea. My wife did.

Mark and Sam: YOUR WIFE?

Daniel: Yea. She passed away from cancer this afternoon.

Mark: Oh dude! Why didn’t you say something?

Daniel: I tried to but you guys kept cutting me off. Any way it was a good laugh. Don’t worry about it.

Sam: I’m really sorry man.

Daniel: No problem guys. I’ll see you soon! Take care.

Daniel leaves.

Mark: That was embarrassing!

Sam: Damn straight it was!

Mark: At least we got some free whisky.

Sam: Yea.

Mark and Sam: IT’S ALL GOOD!

Mark and Sam laugh and continue drinking.