Blowing your own trumpet : Prematurely... but who cares :p

Its quite rare that I have good news in my blog/life... but yet again I have some good news to share :D

Like my msn nick says... God's stopped pissing on me, *Stares at golden rainbow*...

Anyway... enough with the pessimism. This is something to be optimistic about :D... Lets start with a little story...

In early May, I was still struggling through my internship and feeling quite miserable for myself. Okay, okay. Feeling miserable for myself isn't a new thing. Its like my favorite past time. Bite me :p

Anyway the 'Emo Song Queen' messaged me about this open submission contest for short plays. She said I should try it out. So I checked it out and thought about it.

At first I didn't want to submit anything.

Read: Don't think my work is good enough.

After all it was an international event. Chances are every wannabe script writer would be submitting their work. Rejection I can handle... but what if they sent me a email laughing at my work.

So I was talking about it in a multi chat with Liann, Adrian and Mel. And told them about the submission thing. They kinda bullied me into submitting a piece for it. Mel is the major culprit. She gave me a long lecture about being confident about other people doing well but having no confidence in my own work.

So I thought about it some more. And on 22nd May, the night before submissions were closed, I submitted two of my best pieces. Imagine and Split.

There was no news for quite a while. And frankly I had forgotten about it. Then I received this email on the 16th of June:

Ok. So the dude got my name wrong. I'll forgive him. Haha. But seriously, when I got the email I was in class. At first I thought it was some random dude from my blog. Then, I realised that jerry1516@yahoo.com is not my blog email address. Then I thought it must be some gay dude trying to hit on me. In short, I didn't believe it cause I totally forgot about the submission.

Then I read the title of the email : Short and Sweet. Something clicked in my head and next thing I knew I was jumping with joy. My play's gonna be performed in KLPAC. I still can't believe it. Hehe.

I just wanna say thanks to Mel and Yelena. Cause I doubt I would have known about it if Yelena didn't tell me. Mel cause she gave me the courage to submit my work.

Oh... and sorry to Marcus for thinking he was a gay dude trying to pick me up!

If you want more details about the event click here.

Its running from the 6th of August to the 17 of August so be sure to come watch and give me some moral support!

Tickets aren't available yet but I'll update you when they are.

Cheers!

Poor People

Poor people: A definition (or in this case definitionS!)

Like all people, there are different types of poor people. Define poor people? Poor people are those that are economically challenged. Meaning that they can’t afford what they want to get. Or can’t afford to keep what they have. Don’t like the definition? Read some one else’s article!

Okay fine! Here’s a definition for you from dictionary.com:

Poor people

Noun
People without possessions or wealth.

Anyway, there are 6 types of poor people. Let’s take a look at them!

Poorus Saintus
These are poor people who can’t afford to get themselves anything at all but spend their entire lack of wealth, energy and time towards helping other people. Can you say Mother Theresa? These people are the epitome of sainthood and have one way tickets to heaven booked for them. If everyone was like these people, we’d have a terribly boringly perfect world. Heaven would be overpopulated and we’d have to expand it into hell, leaving some of these do-gooders with very Malaysian weather (panas la!)

Poorus Evilus
These people are the opposite of Poorus Saintus. They do whatever they like because they feel they are poor and have nothing to lose. Mostly these people do bad bad stuff. Hence the name: Poorus Evilus. Need a new watch? Rob the old man hobbling down the street with a cane who has a bright shiny new Rolex! Never mind if you beat him to death while robbing him! All poor people go to hell anyway; can’t afford the air conditioning in heaven.

Poorus Maximus
These guys are so poor that they make being poor a job. They beg or picket with signs saying ‘I’m poor. Gimmeh money!’. They’re too poor to print out a resume. Therefore they’re too poor to get a job. It’s not their fault! Honestly! With the price of petrol nowadays, everything is expensive; even 20 cents for printing a page of A4 paper.

Poorus Workusassoffinoffice
Poorus Workusassoffinoffice are the motivated and driven type of poor people. They work their butts off for that promotion. They camp and live in their offices, hoping to get that big break to move into big bucks and their dreams. Unfortunately, most of them never do realise their dreams. They’re not the son-in-law of the PM. They can’t afford to bribe for a position in the senior judiciary. All they have is their bodies. Assuming they have nice bodies that is! Even those have a sell before date. After 30, everything is saggy and nobody wants it any more!

Poorus Lazyuss
These guys are the opposite of Poorus Workusassoffinoffice. They’re poor and don’t care. They’re happy being poor and accept it. Well not that they accept it, they’re just too damn lazy to do anything about it except save up to buy the occasional lottery ticket and cross their fingers and toes that they win.

Poorus Chameleonsnus
Derived from the word chameleon, these guys are exactly that! Chameleons. They’re broke as hell but put the image that they’re rich out to the world. They own BMW’s and bungalows but eat a diet of salt and rice to even out things. To them, looking rich is good enough if they can’t actually be rich. It doesn’t matter if they aren’t really rich, as long as people THINK they are rich!

So what kind of poor person are you? How do I know you’re poor? Well, you’re reading a free magazine instead of making money. Definitely a poor person!

Stay tuned for next issue’s counterpart: ‘Rich buggers we all wish we were’. Over and out.

Why you should change your socks often

unless you REALLY don't like your pets :p

She left me

A young man is seen sitting at a bar drinking alone. Every now and then, he lets out a sob and begins weeping. He takes deep breaths and tries to control his unchecked emotions. He downs his drink, and signals the bartender for another one.

From a distance, two young men are watching him and whispering about his behaviour. They decide to approach him and cheer him up.


Mark: Hey buddy. Down on your luck?

Daniel: You might say that. I just had the worst day of my life.

Sam: What seems to be the problem? Oh wait! Before that! I’m Sam.

Mark: And I’m Mark.

Daniel: My name’s Daniel.

Mark: So what seems to be the problem bud? We noticed you were looking pretty down and thought we’d share a pint and some cheer with you.

Daniel: Mywife left me today. She..

Sam: Oh my God! The bitch!

Mark: She’s the one losing out. Don’t worry buddy! We have some great ideas for you to get back at her!

Daniel: Huh? Get back at her? But…

Sam: You still love her?

Daniel: Of course I do! I …

Mark: That’s no good.

Sam: No good at all!

Daniel: But she’s my wi…

Mark: Wife? Was she thinking about you while she was boning that other guy she left you for mate? I think not!

Sam: You gotta teach the woman a lesson mate. Show her who’s boss. You get what I mean?

Daniel: I think there’s a big misunderstanding here. My wife…

Sam: She left you didn’t she?

Daniel: Yes. But…

Mark: There’s no but’s and if’s about it buddy. Point is she left you. You should move on.

Sam: Yea. But have a little fun before you move on.

Daniel sighs.

Mark: First things first! You gotta pay her back. Sleep with her sister!

Sam: Yes! Bed her sister! That will really teach her!

Daniel: She doesn’t have a sister.

Sam: Her best friend? She’s got to have a best friend right!

Daniel: Yes. But…

Mark: Her best friend it is then. Have sex with her best friend. Tape it. Send it to her and sign it as: ‘Best friends should share everything!’

Sam: I like that! Best friends should share everything!

Sam and Mark laugh.

Daniel: Like I was trying to say. Her best friends a guy. A GAY guy!

Mark: Oh. So you swing that way too huh, buddy! I have no problems with it!

Sam: Me neither. It’s cool as long as you don’t grab my ass.

Daniel: I DON’T SWING THAT WAY.

Sam and Mark laugh.

Mark: Relax buddy. We’re just kidding. Chill a little. We’re just messing with you.

Daniel: Bartender! Three Jacks on the rocks if you please!

Mark: Ok. So shagging her best friends not an option. Has she packed her stuff from your place yet?
Daniel: No. She can’t…

Sam: Can’t summon the courage to come see you eh?

Mark: Yea. That happens a lot. A good thing for you too! There’s more stuff you can do in that case.

Sam: First of all. Collect all the bitch’s panties.

Daniel: What on earth for?

Sam: Listen to the master mate. Collect all her panties and buy several tubes of wasabi. Then rub wasabi into all her panties. Make sure you rub it in deep. So the stains aren’t so apparent.

Mark: So she’ll get a freaking hot reception when she puts her panties on!

Daniel: Oh my God! That’s freaking cruel!

Sam: Then get her little play things together!

Daniel: Play things?

Mark: Her dildos and vibrators!

Sam: Her love balls!

Mark: Then rub chilli padi into them carefully. Make sure you focus on the entire tip of the toy. So when she finally notices, it will be too late!

Sam: Yeap! Imagine this! She’s wanting to get all hot and sticky from a night of pleasuring herself…

Mark: And instead she gets all hot and spicy! Chili padi spicy mate! She’ll be screaming alright! For all the wrong reasons!

Daniel laughs.

Sam: Next go pick up all her skirts and get a pair of scissors.

Daniel: Cut them up into pieces?

Mark: That’s too boring. Everyone does that!

Sam: Yea! Instead of cutting them up into pieces, cut an arrow point right at her ass region!
Mark: Yup. Tell the world that her ass is a one way street open to every one!

Sam: And if you’re REALLY lucky she might not notice it and even wear them out!

Daniel: Haha. That would definitely be a Kodak moment!

Mark: Speaking of Kodak moments, do you have any naked pictures of her?

Daniel: Well…

Sam: I take that as a yes!

Mark: A definitely yes! You kinky bugger!

Daniel grins.

Mark: Choose the juiciest most obscene picture you have of her. Colour photocopy it and make loads of cards out of them. Then use her credit card to pay for roses and one card and send it to every male in her office.

Sam: I bet you they’ll never look at her the same again!

Daniel: That’s horrible mate!

Mark: Isn’t that the idea?

Daniel laughs

Daniel: True! What else can I do?

Mark: Do you have a savings account with her?

Daniel: Yes. A matter of fact I do.

Sam: Hire a bill board in the city. Have a picture of her in it and write this: ‘I’m leaving your cheating ass. Just so you know the money’s coming from your savings account, just like the trip to Hawaii!’

Mark: You could also make an advertisement for her in the dating section in the local paper. Make it hot and slutty and write her real name and phone number in the ad. She’ll be getting calls like crazy!

Daniel: Man. You guys have given this a lot of thought haven’t you!

Mark: Just for you matie!

Sam: Do you know her messenger passwords?

Daniel: Sure do!

Sam: Great! Log into her messenger for like a few hours and talk dirty to all her friends. Guys and girls alike!

Mark: Why stop at friends! Do the same with her family members too. Can you imagine the look on her fathers face when he reads: ‘Daddy, I’ve been a bad girl! Will you spank me?’

Daniel: He’ll probably have a heart attack!

Mark: Even better!

All three of them laugh.

Daniel: Well guys. Thanks a lot for cheering me up. Listening to your ideas was hilarious.

Sam: Sure thing mate! No problem! Maybe we can come here again for another drink next Sunday. We’ll hook you up with some babes!

Daniel: I can’t next Sunday.

Mark: Why not! Don’t be a kill joy! You a single and FREE man now!

Daniel: I have a funeral to attend.

Sam: Oh? Some relative died? Sorry to hear that mate.

Daniel: Yea. My wife did.

Mark and Sam: YOUR WIFE?

Daniel: Yea. She passed away from cancer this afternoon.

Mark: Oh dude! Why didn’t you say something?

Daniel: I tried to but you guys kept cutting me off. Any way it was a good laugh. Don’t worry about it.

Sam: I’m really sorry man.

Daniel: No problem guys. I’ll see you soon! Take care.

Daniel leaves.

Mark: That was embarrassing!

Sam: Damn straight it was!

Mark: At least we got some free whisky.

Sam: Yea.

Mark and Sam: IT’S ALL GOOD!

Mark and Sam laugh and continue drinking.