For Eunice... a happy story...about chimps.. well one chimp any way..

I woke up early that morning. Actually I barely slept at all. There was a nervous jolt all the way from my spine to my head. Effectively making me dizzier than a drunken monkey.

Okay. So monkeys don't get drunk. But if I had a pet monkey, I would get it drunk. Honest!

Anyway being a drunk chimpanzee... actually I rather not get a chimpanzee drunk. It would probably cost more. They're smarter and probably can tell the difference between cheap liqour and good liquor. Fussy buggers they would be.

On topic. Dizzy as I was. I took a shower. A full five minutes. Thats a life time for anyone who is male. Ask around if you don't believe me. Then, hear denial; i.e. lies, or nods of approval. Men don't need to bathe. We stink naturally. So why fight nature's course.

I took the effort to comb my hair. Grooming and me are like bread, butter and water. You stick em into water they float apart as far as possible. I've never been one to care how people think I look. I assumed this thing I called a personality would lure friend to me. Like fish bait. Except without the digusting piercing part or the smell.

Any way, I combed my hair. Spiked it up. Blow dried it. Yes! Blow dried it! It took this chimp some figuring out of how the contraption worked and several burned fingers before managing to do so. Fellow chimps, ie males, hair driers are for smarter people. Like females. Keep far far away from them. Least you melt a digit.

I put on my neatest t-shirt. Which wasn't particularly neat. Okay, so it wasn't crumpled because I ironed it the previous night. There were creases where there weren't supposed to be. But who cares? Technically it was ironed. My fellow chimps. If you think the blow dryer is dangerous, the iron is murderous. So do what I did and get your mom to do it for you.

Then I put on my brown shorts. What? Whats wrong with shorts? Not trendy enough? Bah. Fine. Then I'll say I put on my 'khakis'. TRENDY enough for you? Damn fashion critics. Sprayed some of my car cologne. I call it car cologne because that is exactly what it smells like. Doesn't help being a poor student with a miserable allowance. *sad pout* 'Cologne pour les miserables' I think it was called. =p

Then I belted up and headed off to college in my favorite faded loafers.

What? No boxers? No underwear? I like 'hanging loose'. No la idiots. Do I need to mention every single detail? If you really must know, I wore A TIGHT BLACK THONG. The ass crack grabbing kind. Not really. But you wanted details right? Idiots.

I was buzzed as I was walking towards college. YES. I SAID WALKING. Mummy and daddy didn't love me enough to buy me that BM'er I always wanted. Not even the freaking toy version. In fact mommy and daddy didn't love me at all. They prefered me in dresses. Go figure.

So I depended on the good old feet to get to college. A good 45 minutes walk. Naturally, this was before I became fat and out of shape. Way before the six pack became a fat pack. Ahh... the joys of youth and a unbelievable metabolism rate. But then again that was before I discovered the dark pleasures of alcohol. *Burp*. Pardon me.

So any way I was buzzed as I was walking down towards college. Today would be the day I popped the question. Not THE THE question. Merely THE question. Come on. I was seventeen. Wailing babies and a house morgage was the furthest thing on my mind. Cleavage and jiggly bits were all I cared about. Like any other teen chimp.

Any way, as I walked, I rehearsed what I was going to say. I wanted to be smooth. Realllll smooottthhh... I'd been shot down once by her, and twice was just too much for my fragile teenage ego. I might do something silly. Real silly. Like play snooker during class or something. Huh? Suicide? Cut myself? Not so emo lahh... Maybe play PS and keep jamming the buttons.

At first I wanted to make her swoon, then I realised I was too skinny to support her weight. Yes. Believe it or not, I was skinny once upon a time. Moving on swiftly, so I decided to tone it down a little. No thee's and thou's I decided. So everything was planned out. I had rehearsed it all night. No way things were gonna go wrong.

So I reached college. And things went wrong. I was sweating like a pig in heat. Its bloody hot walking under the sun. For 45 minutes some more. Tissue? I needed a damn towel! And as if God planned it all to mock me, she appeared. Using the next best thing, my already wet t-shirt, I wiped my sweat and walked up towards her. At least she wouldn't notice my T-Shirt was crumpled I guess!

So I forced my feet to walk one step at a time towards her. 'Hey ya,' I started. And so did the stomach ache.

She looked so good. Beautiful in the sunlight, radiant with confidence

'Hey Vince. Whats up?' she asked.

'Not much. Just wanted a quiet conversation with you.' No idiots. I didn't mean whispering. I meant private.

'Oh? What about?' she asked.

At this point my jaw decided to lock. Opening it was a major effort. It was like I chewed too much bubble gum for two weeks in a row.

'Well... uh... you see...' I began to stammer. My mind went blank. Like it does when some one tells me how much more money they have than me. Which back then was a pretty regular occurance.

'Is it about us?' she asked again, reading my mind.

I reverted to chimp mode then. Nodding my head furiously.

'Yea well.... you see I was thinking... I was thinking... you know...' Of course she didn't know you moron. What is she, pyshic?

'About getting together?' Oh my God, SHE WAS PYSHIC.

Alas poor Vince, I knew him well. Here lies Vince the Chimp. Incapable of a hourly rehearsed speach. Incapable of a swooning damsel, let alone a farting one. He did what was best in the circumstances.

He continued nodding vigourously. Like his life depended on it.

'Hokay... I'll have to think about it first Vince. I'll let you know soon okay?' she said.

The nodding continued until I had a spasm. I pulled muscle. Maybe two or a dozen. But I was too numb to feel the pain. It wasn't a NO! It was a maybe.

I smiled and said, 'Sure thing. I'll be around. No rush.' At which point I rushed away. Walking as fast as my feet could carry me. Leaving her a little puzzled I guess.

Like all women. She was a procrastinator. It took her three days to decide. The chimp was practically frothing at the mouth when she finally came up to me and told me....


'Yes... I think it would be a great idea.'

And for the next eight months I was a happy chimp. What happened after that I'll not go into. This is supposed to be a happy story after all... Oh... and I had to see a doctor about the sprain in the neck. Took a week before I could move my stiff neck normally again.

The end.