Beyond life

The room was smoky. Laughter echoed around the hall. Shouts of 'Cheers!' and 'Bottoms up' were common place. There I was, surrounded by all my close friends. Some had grown more distant over the years. But they were friends nonetheless. Gatherings like this were rare now. Everyone had their own little worlds. Work. Studies. Some had even migrated and were just back for a holiday.

'More lamb anyone?' I asked. No takers. Everyone was stuffed. I had planned for the barbecue well and everyone was well fed. It was time for the drinks to be finished. Then the good byes and take cares would come into place. The sad part of the night but just the beginning of the night for me.

'Here's to good living,'said one of my friends. Glasses clicked and everyone drank their fill.

I was a little quiet. Enjoying the liquor and companionship. Silly jokes seemed hilarious and some where outside the house some one was singing. I sat enjoying the bliss of alcohol and friendship.

Around 2am, people began to take their leave; some staggering and others falling a number of times. A sign of a good party. At least no one was sick in the house. It was a smaller crowd then. My closest friends were still there drinking. We talked a little. More drinking was done. It was that time of the night. When people were lost in their thought and alcohol.

Soon it was time to take their leave. 'Good bye guys. One love.' I said to them. One love was our basketball teams motto. We were a pack, and cared and loved each other dearly.

'I'll see you tommorrow at the court,' said one of my friends. I just smiled. 'Yea, maybe.' I replied. 'If the hangover doesn't kill you that is. You must have drank a whole bottle yourself tonight.' I smiled again. 'I've been practicing. Don't worry about me. You guys be safe. Good bye.'

Normally I don't use 'good bye'. It was always 'catch you later' or 'see ya around'. So I got some strange looks from my friends. 'I'll be fine. Send my love to the rest. G'nite'.

I locked the gate and went to my room. My dog was there waiting patiently for me to come to bed. I locked my room door.

'I'll be there in a while hun,' I whispered.

'It is time' my heart of hearts said. 'Indeed,' I replied. I opened my drawer and slowly took out the pills. Staggering a little. I had saved up for this. 3 months worth of anti depressants and sleeping pills.

I wanted to leave on a high note. The party was just perfect for that. I hadn't been this happy for a very very long time. Everything was picture perfect.

'It is time'. I heard myself say aloud for the first time. 'No rush.' I thought. There time yet to write something so people will understand. I sat in front of my computer getting ready to type.

The words wouldn't come. I couldn't explain.

When I closed my eyes, I could see it all. The frustrations, the pain. The family problems. The lost chances. The broken dreams. The failures. The relationships that were shattered. The mess I was in. The mess I was. All the thoughts came to me

I just couldn't find the words to write it down. I merely wrote, 'I'm sorry. I've run out of hope.'

I popped the tablets. One by one. Counting. Feeling a little afraid but braver with each tablet. The alcohol definitely made me braver. One by one. Then two by two. Before I knew it, all the tablets were gone.

I went to bed then, holding my dog close as I lay down. She was whining and nuzzling me. 'I'll be fine,' I whispered stroking her. She quietened down abit and lay on my chest.

I felt the drugs take effect. The room was spinning. I waited. Would He come to collect me? Or would hellfire be my reward? I felt my eyes closing.

A rush of images came to me. Of happy times. Times that I felt truely myself. Then I saw her. White and beautiful. 'What have you done?'she asked whispering my name. 'Nothing I will regret,' I replied.

I felt her arms reach for me. A distant touch on my face. Then there was a furious pain and I convulsed.

'Nothing comes easy. Not even suicide,' I thought bitterly.

The white light became stronger. Then the pain was gone. I could barely hear the music from my pc. Then there was darkness. And nothing more.