Funny headliners

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006: Most of the year's gone by, but they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Credit to Debs for the find

For Eunice... a happy story...about chimps.. well one chimp any way..

I woke up early that morning. Actually I barely slept at all. There was a nervous jolt all the way from my spine to my head. Effectively making me dizzier than a drunken monkey.

Okay. So monkeys don't get drunk. But if I had a pet monkey, I would get it drunk. Honest!

Anyway being a drunk chimpanzee... actually I rather not get a chimpanzee drunk. It would probably cost more. They're smarter and probably can tell the difference between cheap liqour and good liquor. Fussy buggers they would be.

On topic. Dizzy as I was. I took a shower. A full five minutes. Thats a life time for anyone who is male. Ask around if you don't believe me. Then, hear denial; i.e. lies, or nods of approval. Men don't need to bathe. We stink naturally. So why fight nature's course.

I took the effort to comb my hair. Grooming and me are like bread, butter and water. You stick em into water they float apart as far as possible. I've never been one to care how people think I look. I assumed this thing I called a personality would lure friend to me. Like fish bait. Except without the digusting piercing part or the smell.

Any way, I combed my hair. Spiked it up. Blow dried it. Yes! Blow dried it! It took this chimp some figuring out of how the contraption worked and several burned fingers before managing to do so. Fellow chimps, ie males, hair driers are for smarter people. Like females. Keep far far away from them. Least you melt a digit.

I put on my neatest t-shirt. Which wasn't particularly neat. Okay, so it wasn't crumpled because I ironed it the previous night. There were creases where there weren't supposed to be. But who cares? Technically it was ironed. My fellow chimps. If you think the blow dryer is dangerous, the iron is murderous. So do what I did and get your mom to do it for you.

Then I put on my brown shorts. What? Whats wrong with shorts? Not trendy enough? Bah. Fine. Then I'll say I put on my 'khakis'. TRENDY enough for you? Damn fashion critics. Sprayed some of my car cologne. I call it car cologne because that is exactly what it smells like. Doesn't help being a poor student with a miserable allowance. *sad pout* 'Cologne pour les miserables' I think it was called. =p

Then I belted up and headed off to college in my favorite faded loafers.

What? No boxers? No underwear? I like 'hanging loose'. No la idiots. Do I need to mention every single detail? If you really must know, I wore A TIGHT BLACK THONG. The ass crack grabbing kind. Not really. But you wanted details right? Idiots.

I was buzzed as I was walking towards college. YES. I SAID WALKING. Mummy and daddy didn't love me enough to buy me that BM'er I always wanted. Not even the freaking toy version. In fact mommy and daddy didn't love me at all. They prefered me in dresses. Go figure.

So I depended on the good old feet to get to college. A good 45 minutes walk. Naturally, this was before I became fat and out of shape. Way before the six pack became a fat pack. Ahh... the joys of youth and a unbelievable metabolism rate. But then again that was before I discovered the dark pleasures of alcohol. *Burp*. Pardon me.

So any way I was buzzed as I was walking down towards college. Today would be the day I popped the question. Not THE THE question. Merely THE question. Come on. I was seventeen. Wailing babies and a house morgage was the furthest thing on my mind. Cleavage and jiggly bits were all I cared about. Like any other teen chimp.

Any way, as I walked, I rehearsed what I was going to say. I wanted to be smooth. Realllll smooottthhh... I'd been shot down once by her, and twice was just too much for my fragile teenage ego. I might do something silly. Real silly. Like play snooker during class or something. Huh? Suicide? Cut myself? Not so emo lahh... Maybe play PS and keep jamming the buttons.

At first I wanted to make her swoon, then I realised I was too skinny to support her weight. Yes. Believe it or not, I was skinny once upon a time. Moving on swiftly, so I decided to tone it down a little. No thee's and thou's I decided. So everything was planned out. I had rehearsed it all night. No way things were gonna go wrong.

So I reached college. And things went wrong. I was sweating like a pig in heat. Its bloody hot walking under the sun. For 45 minutes some more. Tissue? I needed a damn towel! And as if God planned it all to mock me, she appeared. Using the next best thing, my already wet t-shirt, I wiped my sweat and walked up towards her. At least she wouldn't notice my T-Shirt was crumpled I guess!

So I forced my feet to walk one step at a time towards her. 'Hey ya,' I started. And so did the stomach ache.

She looked so good. Beautiful in the sunlight, radiant with confidence

'Hey Vince. Whats up?' she asked.

'Not much. Just wanted a quiet conversation with you.' No idiots. I didn't mean whispering. I meant private.

'Oh? What about?' she asked.

At this point my jaw decided to lock. Opening it was a major effort. It was like I chewed too much bubble gum for two weeks in a row.

'Well... uh... you see...' I began to stammer. My mind went blank. Like it does when some one tells me how much more money they have than me. Which back then was a pretty regular occurance.

'Is it about us?' she asked again, reading my mind.

I reverted to chimp mode then. Nodding my head furiously.

'Yea well.... you see I was thinking... I was thinking... you know...' Of course she didn't know you moron. What is she, pyshic?

'About getting together?' Oh my God, SHE WAS PYSHIC.

Alas poor Vince, I knew him well. Here lies Vince the Chimp. Incapable of a hourly rehearsed speach. Incapable of a swooning damsel, let alone a farting one. He did what was best in the circumstances.

He continued nodding vigourously. Like his life depended on it.

'Hokay... I'll have to think about it first Vince. I'll let you know soon okay?' she said.

The nodding continued until I had a spasm. I pulled muscle. Maybe two or a dozen. But I was too numb to feel the pain. It wasn't a NO! It was a maybe.

I smiled and said, 'Sure thing. I'll be around. No rush.' At which point I rushed away. Walking as fast as my feet could carry me. Leaving her a little puzzled I guess.

Like all women. She was a procrastinator. It took her three days to decide. The chimp was practically frothing at the mouth when she finally came up to me and told me....


'Yes... I think it would be a great idea.'

And for the next eight months I was a happy chimp. What happened after that I'll not go into. This is supposed to be a happy story after all... Oh... and I had to see a doctor about the sprain in the neck. Took a week before I could move my stiff neck normally again.

The end.

Shark attack

SYDNEY, Australia - A diver escaped a 10-foot shark’s attack by poking the animal in its eye after it had already chomped on his head once and was preparing for another bite, witnesses and officials said Tuesday.

Eric Nerhus, 41, was flown to a hospital with serious injuries to his head, body and left arm after the attack Tuesday off Cape Howe, about 250 miles south of Sydney.

The shark grabbed Nerhus by the head, crushing his face mask and breaking his nose, said Dennis Luobikis, a fellow diver who witnessed the attack.

Beyond life

The room was smoky. Laughter echoed around the hall. Shouts of 'Cheers!' and 'Bottoms up' were common place. There I was, surrounded by all my close friends. Some had grown more distant over the years. But they were friends nonetheless. Gatherings like this were rare now. Everyone had their own little worlds. Work. Studies. Some had even migrated and were just back for a holiday.

'More lamb anyone?' I asked. No takers. Everyone was stuffed. I had planned for the barbecue well and everyone was well fed. It was time for the drinks to be finished. Then the good byes and take cares would come into place. The sad part of the night but just the beginning of the night for me.

'Here's to good living,'said one of my friends. Glasses clicked and everyone drank their fill.

I was a little quiet. Enjoying the liquor and companionship. Silly jokes seemed hilarious and some where outside the house some one was singing. I sat enjoying the bliss of alcohol and friendship.

Around 2am, people began to take their leave; some staggering and others falling a number of times. A sign of a good party. At least no one was sick in the house. It was a smaller crowd then. My closest friends were still there drinking. We talked a little. More drinking was done. It was that time of the night. When people were lost in their thought and alcohol.

Soon it was time to take their leave. 'Good bye guys. One love.' I said to them. One love was our basketball teams motto. We were a pack, and cared and loved each other dearly.

'I'll see you tommorrow at the court,' said one of my friends. I just smiled. 'Yea, maybe.' I replied. 'If the hangover doesn't kill you that is. You must have drank a whole bottle yourself tonight.' I smiled again. 'I've been practicing. Don't worry about me. You guys be safe. Good bye.'

Normally I don't use 'good bye'. It was always 'catch you later' or 'see ya around'. So I got some strange looks from my friends. 'I'll be fine. Send my love to the rest. G'nite'.

I locked the gate and went to my room. My dog was there waiting patiently for me to come to bed. I locked my room door.

'I'll be there in a while hun,' I whispered.

'It is time' my heart of hearts said. 'Indeed,' I replied. I opened my drawer and slowly took out the pills. Staggering a little. I had saved up for this. 3 months worth of anti depressants and sleeping pills.

I wanted to leave on a high note. The party was just perfect for that. I hadn't been this happy for a very very long time. Everything was picture perfect.

'It is time'. I heard myself say aloud for the first time. 'No rush.' I thought. There time yet to write something so people will understand. I sat in front of my computer getting ready to type.

The words wouldn't come. I couldn't explain.

When I closed my eyes, I could see it all. The frustrations, the pain. The family problems. The lost chances. The broken dreams. The failures. The relationships that were shattered. The mess I was in. The mess I was. All the thoughts came to me

I just couldn't find the words to write it down. I merely wrote, 'I'm sorry. I've run out of hope.'

I popped the tablets. One by one. Counting. Feeling a little afraid but braver with each tablet. The alcohol definitely made me braver. One by one. Then two by two. Before I knew it, all the tablets were gone.

I went to bed then, holding my dog close as I lay down. She was whining and nuzzling me. 'I'll be fine,' I whispered stroking her. She quietened down abit and lay on my chest.

I felt the drugs take effect. The room was spinning. I waited. Would He come to collect me? Or would hellfire be my reward? I felt my eyes closing.

A rush of images came to me. Of happy times. Times that I felt truely myself. Then I saw her. White and beautiful. 'What have you done?'she asked whispering my name. 'Nothing I will regret,' I replied.

I felt her arms reach for me. A distant touch on my face. Then there was a furious pain and I convulsed.

'Nothing comes easy. Not even suicide,' I thought bitterly.

The white light became stronger. Then the pain was gone. I could barely hear the music from my pc. Then there was darkness. And nothing more.

For whoever

Why now?
Why ever?
You told me
you'd be mine forever.

Through the cuts
and through the stains
Through the broken spirit
and the pains

Through the dark
and the emptiness
Through the hurt
and the hollowness

You lied
You lied
You weren't there
to dry the tears I cried

You weren't there
to ease the sorrow
or to fill
the empty hollow

You chose to leave
and not come back
and you turn this heart
broken and black

Common sense vs Faith

I have a lot on my mind right now. My lecturer Gary, for media criticism has brought up some points that question my way of life.

I've always adhered to the notion 'I can do what ever I want'. As long as I put in as much effort as I can, nothing is beyond my reach. This is my belief and ideology. I am also an Atheist... or lately have become an Atheist... I do not believe in God... I do not believe in Satan and I do not believe in souls. Gary's arguement is that people with such beliefs should be incapable of feeling compassion for others. That they are purely selfish and and self indulgent.

I believe in free will as well as the ability to do what you want. There is always a choice. There is the correct choice and there is the wrong choice. The consequence of and action will always play a part in your decision making. Logic dictates what actions you choose to do or ignore.

This does not necessarilly limit the idea of 'I can do what ever I want', rather it provides you options you can choose from. You can choose to turn up to class naked and pay the price of being expelled and perhaps even jailed. Or you can choose to go to class clothed. Logic and my way of life dictates that I choose to go to class with clothes on. It is a conscious choice I make. It does not limit the arguement that I am capable of doing what ever I want to do. Nonsensical choices are always available. Logically in my way of life and ideology I would choose the logical choices.

His other arguement is that a person who doesn't believe in a soul should not feel compassionate towards others in society. To an extent, I am not compassionate. I firmly believe that each person works for his own benefits and push themselves to their limits. On the other hand, souless as I am, I also believe in the fact that certain people do deserve your help. It is a simple case of you scratch my back I scratch your back. Your family brought you up and care for you. You friends stick by you when you are down. Well mostly any way. Those who have been compassionate to you logically deserve compassion in return. It has nothing to do with a soul.

Also, compasion doesn't necessary come from the soul. We have mind and are capable of emotions. The human mind is a complex thing. There is no proof that what we feel comes from the soul. Therefore compassion among the souless is not a thing that definitely doesn't exist.

Compassion for strangers is not that impossible a thing either. Again the mind plays a role in this. You merely place yourself in their situation and feel sorry for them. What does the soul have to do with symphathy for those down in their luck.

Compassion is an emotion that everyone feels to an extent. A soul has nothing to do with it.

People can do what they want. Within limits of logic. It is not an impossible way of life. Nor is it a more difficult life than blind faith in a entity that there is no proof exists. Perhaps it requires you to be stronger. Religion is not a crutch you can lean on. Nonetheless it doesn't change a persons path in life. There will be ups and downs. As you face problems, you grow stronger emotionally. Blind faith doesn't do this for you. It makes you look for divine intervention which more than often doesn't occur.

I believe in fate. Making your own fate. Making your own decisions. All governed by logic and your own principles. Souless or not, I do not do things that I perceive is wrong. I do not harm people intentionally. And I do not make stupid choices.

Dreams and Nightmares

Don't get me wrong. I love dreams. Especially those that give you the feel good factor. But lately, my dreams have been getting me down. Why? Simply because they are impossible. The things I dream about are beyond my ability to achieve. I dream of love, and peace of mind. A happy family. Things like that. Pretty simple stuff I know to some of you. But really near impossible for me. So in that sense, I don't like dreams. They lift you up while you're dreaming. But when you wake up, reality bites and it is painful.

Nightmares. Now this is something I'm more used to. Waking up in cold sweat. Getting up so quicky from bed I pull a spasm on my neck. I'm so used to nightmares. At least they don't give you false hope. They don't bring you up to a certain level, then bring you tumbling down when you wake up. Of course they aren't pleasant.

I rather not have any dreams or nightmares. Just pure sleep. Would be a change

Rest in Peace

James Lee

You will be missed sorely.