Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed you. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around on
the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I
want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make
me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want
to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian
meatball and some stale chips (washed down with MORE alcohol &
topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary,
and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than
45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover & immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot! I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
& in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in
my pockets (or lack there of). In order to continue this friendship,
I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. could we also address some of the following...

THE THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Innovative.
Preliminary.
Proliferation.
Cinnamon.

THE THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Specificity.
British Constitution.
Passive-aggressive disorder.

THE THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more beer for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.