S&S script =)

A dignified middle aged man dressed in a full suit and tie is seated on a chair. Lying on a sofa is a young man dressed in shorts and a singlet.

Middle aged man: So, what would you like to talk about today?

Young man: I don’t know where to start! There’s so many things that I would like to share with you.

Middle aged man: Well then, let’s start from the beginning if you like. I didn’t see anyone waiting outside, so we have some extra time today. That is if it is okay with you.

Young man: It’s fine with me. You’ve become like a friend to me.

Middle aged man: That’s very nice of you to say that.

Young man: So anyway, a month ago, my mother-in-law’s house was burned down in a fire.

Middle aged man: Oh, that’s tragic!

Young man: I know! After all that planning and by some freak chance she left the house to play resurrect-the-salami with some old geriatric!

Middle aged man: I don’t quite follow what you mean...

Young man: Oh! Resurrect-the-salami? After a certain age, a man’s private parts don’t work as well as...

Middle aged man: No... not THAT! Planning? That’s the part I didn’t understand.

Young man: This is completely private, remember! It’s in the agreement! You can’t tell anyone what is exchanged here!

Middle aged man: Yes I am well aware for that!

Young man: Well, business has been REALLY horrendous lately! As you noticed earlier, no one drops by any more. I’m so far in the red that the Chinese have started worshipping me as a Prosperity Deity!

Middle aged man: What does this have to do with your mother-in-law?

Young man: Well, I bought a huge life insurance policy for her recently.

Middle aged man: How did you manage that? They don’t normally give new policies to those so old.

Young man: I had to sleep with the insurance agent.

Middle aged man: Ah! That’s pretty scandalous!

Young man: I’d say! She was quite a looker too!

Middle aged man: See, things aren’t THAT bad after all! You got to sleep with a beautiful woman AND a policy for the old bird!

Young man: I thought that too... until her relative joined in the action.

Middle aged man: A threesome? You lucky dog!

Young man: Jus one problem. It was her 90 year old grandmother.

Middle aged man: That’s very very wrong.

Young man: I know. She’s like a human waxing machine!

Middle aged man: A human waxing machine? What on earth do you mean?

Young man: Well, her bits sag so far to the floor, that all you’d have to do is make her walk around the room a little and she’d end up polishing everything!

Middle aged man: I feel slightly nauseous.

Young man: I almost threw up myself. And I have pretty strong stomach.

Middle aged man: At least you could focus on the hot insurance agent.

Young man: She didn’t take part.

Middle aged man: I beg your pardon?

Young man: She said her granny had been feeling down lately, so she wanted a nice surprise for her. She did say I was really good looking, but she was a lesbian.

Middle aged man: So why didn’t you leave?

Young man: I was desperate for the policy!

Middle aged man: You poor soul.

Young man: Yes, and just when I got over the nausea from seeing THAT naked, I realised that the granddaughter and grandmother had one thing in common!

Middle aged man: They were both good in the sack?

Young man: No they were both into strap ons!

Middle aged man: Okay, I don’t want to know what happened next!

Young man: It wasn’t so bad...

Middle aged man: I didn’t know you swing that way.

Young man: Nah, I don’t. Her grandmother has Alzheimer’s. She poked me in the eye a few times, drooled a little, then rolled over and fell asleep.

Middle aged man: Okay, moving on swiftly from that image. I assume you didn’t get the policy since you didn’t... ‘perform’.

Young man: No, the hottie was a sweetie too. She said she realised how desperate for the policy to be willing to do all this for it.

Middle aged man: So she gave it to you anyway?

Young man: Nope. She said she’d give me a call when her grandfather who occasionally fancied putting from the rough was back in town.

Middle aged man: Let’s not dwell on this anymore. Let’s get back on the topic about your plan.

Young man: Yea, so I thought I’d bump off the mother-in-law and use the money to revive my business.

Middle aged man: That’s not a very sociable act to do. You could hang for murder if you get caught.

Young man: I still might. She moved in with us. I have two teenage daughters and a wife.

Middle aged man: Yes, it must be very hard to provide for four mouths with the economic recession lately.

Young man: Who cares about the money? You don’t know what happen when women stay close to each other do you?

Middle aged man: I’ve not had the opportunity to do that unfortunately. What happens?

Young man: Their biological clocks begin to sync. Soon I will have 4 simultaneously PMS’ing women under one roof!

Middle aged man: It can’t be THAT bad!

Young man: My friend, did you know PMS has been used as a valid defence for murder? At this rate I’ll probably have to kill or be killed!

Middle aged man: Well, its jus for a few days in a month. I’m sure you can bear with it.

Young man: You don’t understand. In my wife’s side, the ‘P’ in pre-menstrual tension has a different meaning from ‘Pre’.

Middle aged man: Oh? What does it mean then?

Young man: Perpetual!

Middle aged man: You’re exaggerating!

Young man: Not at all! They have pre, post and present menstrual tension in her side of the family. So it’s as good as perpetual! Anyway, thankfully my wife left me last week and took the kids with her.

Middle aged man: She went on a holiday?

Young man: She left me for my best friend.

Middle aged man: That’s horrible! You should beat the crap out your best friend.

Young man: I would. But animals have instincts. Nothing much I can do about that. So I don’t put any blame on...

Middle aged man: Instincts? Please! Friendship is precious! Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman. For any man to transgress that bond, let alone your best friend, is unforgivable!

Young man: Man? Who said my best friend was a man?

Middle aged man: Oh please! Don’t tell me your best friend is a woman! That’s so clichéd! You must be making this up!

Young man: No, my best friend is a Doberman. My wife says it pleases her in bed more than I ever could. A little whip cream in the right places and the mutt does wonders with it’s tongu..

Middle aged man: Ok. Spare me the details. How come your daughters left with her.

Young man: She told them I was sleeping with their grandmother.

Middle aged man: Your mother-in-law?

Young man: Yes.

Middle aged man: It was a lie wasn’t it?

Young man: Not exactly...

Middle aged man: How could you?

Young man: Well the sex life with the wife hasn’t been all that great lately and...

Middle aged man: You slept with HER MOTHER? That’s disgusting!

Young man: It wasn’t part of the plan!

Middle aged man: I bet it wasn’t!

Young man: No, you don’t understand. I bought some super strong aphrodisiacs from the pharmacist. Under the counter of course. The kids were at school. So I used the whole bottle to prepare two cocktails.

Middle aged man: What went wrong?

Young man: I heard someone say: ‘What are you doing, asshole?’ and I thought it was my wife.

Middle aged man: I’m sure your wife wouldn’t call you that.

Young man: You’re quite right. But hindsight is 20 – 20. My wife wouldn’t have used such a affectionate term. Anyway I said that I prepared a drink for her, and to meet me in the living room.

Middle aged man: And it was your in-law?

Young man: Yes and the rest is history.

Middle aged man: I’m sure if you explained to your wife what REALLY happened, she MIGHT forgive you. Or at least try to.

Young man: Yes she said she would have forgiven me... for the first three times it happened.

Middle aged man: What? Why did it happen more than once?

Young man: Her mother has no teeth left and wears dentures.

Middle aged man: I don’t see your point.

Young man: Well, when she takes them off she gives amazing blow j...

Middle aged man: That’s sick!

Young man: I couldn’t help myself!

Middle aged man: I’m not surprised your wife left you.

Young man: She called me two weeks ago tho.

Middle aged man: To try and patch things up?

Young man: No. To warn me her father was coming to kill me!

Middle aged man: For sleeping with his wife?

Young man: Yea. Why else? Anyway I was quite freaked out. Apparently he did some time for GBH before!

Middle aged man: Grievous Bodily Harm?

Young man: No. He has a fat woman fetish. Groping Big Ho’s!

Middle aged man: Is that an offence?

Young man: Yes, mostly to the average man’s taste and definitely offensive to the eyes! Anyway he broke into my house a few days ago. Scared the hell out of me! I thought he was going to kill me.

Middle aged man: What happened?

Young man: He’s a huge guy. Maybe 6’4. He stood there, towering over me while I was in my pyjamas. And he was holding a bottle.

Middle aged man: Did he hit you with it?

Young man: No. He asked me where I kept my wine glasses.

Middle aged man: Huh?

Young man: Yea. Said he wanted to talk to me. Wanted to know where I got the aphrodisiacs from. Apparently his wife’s not had interest in sex for a very long time. So he was REALLY grateful to me that I helped rekindle that.

Middle aged man: That’s like REALLY weird.

Young man: I know! He also asked me for some tips, on how to spice things up with the wife. Said there was this one time she asked him to talk dirty to her while she was on top of him. He said the wrong thing though.

Middle aged man: What did he say?

Young man: Get the fuck off?

Middle aged man: What?

Young man: Man United were playing!

Middle aged man: Okay! That I understand! So what happened next?

Young man: I hooked him up with my pharmacist and he and his wife have sex several times every night now.

Middle aged man: Oh? He told you?

Young man: No. He moved into my house. Now not only have my wife and children left me, I have to listening to my father-in-law screaming obscenities while he humps his wife in my kitchen while I’m getting NO sex. I can’t even go to the fridge to get a beer!

Middle aged man: Okay, okay! Let’s try to look for something MORE positive. Surely something GOOD had happened to you since we last met?

Young man: I found a religion.

Middle aged man: That’s great!

Young man: It didn’t last long though.

Middle aged man: Why not? What went wrong?

Young man: Jus some of the stuff they believed in.

Middle aged man: Like what?

Young man: Well for example, the women aren’t allowed to cry out when giving birth to babies.

Middle aged man: That’s ridiculous. Child birth is extremely painful. How could anyone expect that?

Young man: I know. I asked the religious leader the same thing. And he answered my question with a question: ‘Why do women give birth?’ and I couldn’t answer him.

Middle aged man: What was his answer?

Young man: Because it’s painful and they deserve it!

Middle aged man: I see why you left the religion now.

Young man: Left? Hell, that’s what made me JOIN the religion!

Middle aged man: Then what made you leave it?

Young man: I found out the founder was a writer.

Middle aged man: Oh? Was he a science fiction writer? That sort of makes sense. That would disillusion anyone.

Young man: No, he wrote books that promote white supremacy.

Middle aged man: Ah, so you left because you don’t believe in racism?

Young man: Nope, I left because I already have super low self esteem. I didn’t want to make it worse.

Middle aged man: I don’t understand.

Young man: The dude was a black guy.

Middle aged man: That’s kind of twisted!

Young man: I guess. Anyway buddy, time’s up! I’m afraid I have to meet someone else real soon. I’m sorry.

Middle aged man: No problem doc! You’re probably the best shrink I’ve ever met. I always feel so much better after listening to YOUR problems! And to think I was considering killing myself just because I suspected my wife is cheating on me. If you can go through all that shit and still surge ahead in life, then so can I!

Young man: That’s great to hear! I’m glad you feel better. Make an appointment with my secretary outside for next month. Take care till then!

Middle aged man: Thanks again doc!

Middle aged man leaves room and closes door behind him. Young man picks up phone and dials a number.

Young man: Hey sex kitten... what you wearing now? Oh! That’s hot! Yea. I’ll be over soon. Yea. Your husband jus left. Yup! Just like you said, he swallowed those aunt agony stories like a sponge. Will have to come up with more for next month. So anyway, I’ll bring some chocolate and champagne over and we can.....’

Fade to black out.