of religion, love and a puppy named suki

In the 28 years of my life, I have seen people touched by religions; each of them, in their own subtle and different ways.

I'm not one to complain... (oh wait... I am! :P) but I've not had an easy life. Please don't give me the whole lecture about starving and dying children in Africa. Of people who have harsher lives than I. I never claimed to have the SHITTIEST life, merely a relatively shitty life! So put it to rest already.

I have problems believing in things that I can touch and see, let alone being able to put faith in a entity you have to put blind faith into. Quite childishly, I have often questioned: 'if there is a God, then fuck him... cause he has fucked me over again and again... (and I didn't even get to cum!)

So when people talk of religion, I earnestly avoid the topic. As the saying goes, never talk politics and religion with friends; if you want to keep them friends. But I can't help but watch with a fascination when people embrace religion the way it is meant to be embraced; with faith, love and no ulterior motives.

I know this was not with the case with my mother. If I have had a shitty life, I don't quite know the adjective that would describe hers. She embraced religion alright... several of them! Don't get me wrong, I love my mother to death. And she is a STRONG woman to have survived all that has happened to her in her life. Yet I cannot help but feel a little cynical towards her sudden offerings to the temples and churches.

Religion was indeed was a crutch. Or so I believed.

I have been lucky enough to fall in love twice in my not so young life. Both the women were devout in their religions.

My first love and experience with religion came when I was but 16ish years old. A little too young to contemplate anything except for the miracles of the female body and the stupors that alcohol and drugs induced. She did not preach her religion to me. In fact we rarely spoke of it. And believe me, we spoke VERY often back then.

I can still remember the mock disgust one of our friend had at the fact my first love and I spent so much time together, be it physically together or just on the phone. 'You're like a Yin Yang pair of retarded Siamese Twins,' she had said. Even now the not so flattering comparison brings a chuckle. But that is beside the point. The times that my first love and I did speak of it has always stuck to my mind. Mostly it was about her aunt going overseas on escapes.

As we grew older, we broke up but remained friends. Reasonably close friends I'd like to think. She went through some bad times and struggled to strive ahead of them. Yet, rather than testing the limits of her beliefs, it seemed to strengthen her beliefs. I recall her saying once to me, as we talked about the not so pleasant things in life, 'no matter what happens, I have my faith and my beliefs. Nothing will change or alter that. Well, not that much any way!'

She had chuckled and smiled then, but the conviction in her eyes spoke volumes.

I had almost believed then.

The second time I fell in love was with a daughter of two pastors. Not two of the same-sexed pastors obviously! But I think that would have made an interesting twist don't you?

She was a lot younger than I was. (any snickers or paedophile comments will be thoroughly ignored!)

And unlike my first love, she preached to me incessantly. Not in a threatening or nasty sort of way like if-you-don't-believe-you-will-burn-in-hell-you-sinner kind of way. Hers was out of love, both for me and for her religious beliefs. Perhaps 'preach' is too harsh a word to use. Rather, she 'shared' with me.

We would talk of it often and her eyes would fill with wonder and overwhelming love as she spoke. She talked of forgiveness, sharing, understanding, acceptance, love and many other wonderful things that religion could bring to a person. But the one thing that really reached to me was when she told me, 慖t can bring you peace of mind, hun.?I'll admit now, it was a rather attractive thought.

I'd smile and nod, then not so subtly change the topic to something less thought provoking. Her eyes would mist over then and she say, 'I'm so sad. I wish you would come to know His love like I do.' Then she'd hug me and nestle her head against my chest, as if listening closely to my heart to find out how she could melt the ice and warm it with the love of God. Wow. I can't believe I wrote that line. Someone call the corny police please!

I wanted desperately to understand how she felt. I even went to church for the first time in 16 years. But nothing vaguely resembling enlightenment or love for God touched me. In fact, the super cheerful singing and dancing to hymn disturbed me to no end!

But I wanted to believe.

I watched a lady I've known since I was 7, dying of cancer, find faith and strength in the comfort of Christ. At first I thought her a desperate fool, grasping at straws for a miraculous cure for her ailment; or perhaps the promise of afterlife a crutch for her to make the thought of leaving the world of the flesh less frightening.

As I spoke to her, I realised there was a transformation from who she was when she first discovered the fatal illness growing within her body. She was not trying to deny her fate. She was not trying to avoid it anymore. She had accepted it whole heartedly and was making the best of the time that was left to her and her family together. The power of her belief gave her the ability to cope; no, more than cope; to accept that death was approaching. To take a step back and realise that while time was short, it was the quality of time she had left that mattered. Not the quantity.

And for a little while, I believed.

If religion and God indeed did not exist, it should. For it is a beautiful ideal and dream. It makes people, in general (please let's not talk about extremist morons), strive to be noble and better; to do good things in life. It gives you strength to take that step forward when you just want to hug your knees and cry yourself to death. It brings hope when there might be close to none. Besides, what is life without dreams?

Sadly, I'm still not a believer. But these people have made me look at religion differently and who knows?

One day that might change.

Now you've read all this crap and looked forward to the puppy?part of this rambling, haven't you? Well here is it. Suki's snoring contentedly at my feet.

And I BELIEVE it is time to join her.

Well a man's gotta believe in SOMETHING doesn't he?

Cheers.
Vince