Lessons of Life :p

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

All you virgin kissers!

It's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

AND -------- Should you use some tongue?

Then you say to yourself

---------

'What the heck!'

and so you just go for it!!!

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Just goes to say kids will EAT and KISS anything...

so those lone pervs of there... take the hint ;)

A good weekend :)

Hey all... hows everyone doing... I'm coming off a blast of a weekend... so the weekdays are quite the anti climax... well VERY the anti climax to be honest... first off I won something for the first time in my life... I've never won anything big at sports before... but I got an impressive third place for IACT's pool tournament at Club 7... well not really that impressive la... but to me its impressive... so bite me! :p

the tournament started off with a group stage... where 8 players are put in a group and play each other one time each... the runner up and the winner from each group proceeds to the quarterfinals...

I was checking out my opponents for weaknesses during the first round... seeing if there would be any easy games... and to my horror... every one in my group was as sharp or sharper than me... PLUS.. PLUS!!! There was a Malaysian 9ball player in my group... it was indeed the group of death... really scary stuff...

I won my first three games... but they were by the skin of my teeth... Really close racks... then on my 4th game... I lost to this guy whose name I can't remember... he really outplayed me... and I couldn't get my rhythm going... I won the next game due to luck... my opponent scratched after potting the nine ball... Scratched as in 'yum sui' (sank the white) ... not disqualified for scratching his balls during the game :p...

then it was time to play the national player... he totally outclassed me... his shots and savings were a level way above mine... I only managed to take two shots before he finished the rack... so my back was against the wall... at this point I had two losses and most people lost only once... to qualify I'd have to win my next two games... I told myself to play my best and give it a shot... to my amazement I won my next two games easily and finished runner up... the national player finished first of course...

there was a small crowd watching the quarter finals... it made me nervous at first... but I decided that I wanted to win this... and go for first place! so I fed off the crowd and played some of the best pool I've ever played... I won the race to three in like five minutes... it was like I couldn't miss a shot! I told myself to ride this feeling and go all the way to the finals!

the semi's were really tight too... I was playing well and leading 4 -2 ... the crowd was amazing I tell you... I really got a high from having all these people watch and cheer... I just wanted to do my best and show them that I got into the semi finals cause I deserved to... not by pure dumb luck... any way.. alfred (my opponent) made a mistake and parked the nine ball at the pocket... it was a SUPER easy shot... but I had to use a rest to take the shot... and if I made the shot... I would be in the finals! ONE SHOT AWAY I told myself... just ONE EASY shot... and I took it.... AND BLOODY MISSED!

I was so pissed with myself that I lost my concentration after that... the crowd were like 'How did he miss that!?'... and it kept playing in my head... so I wasn't playing my normal game... Alfred took advantage of this and kicked my ass... beating me 5 - 4 in the end... all credit to him... he's a sharp and consistent bugger!

I thought that was the end of my pool experience... when Justin asked me if I wanted to take a break before playing the 3rd / 4th playoffs... At that point I was quite disheartened so I said 'Lets get it over with...'

And I really meant it... I just wanted to get the games over with and go home... but then... the crowd was really great again... encouraging and cheering... and I started to enjoy playing in front of so many people again... I got an adraneline rush from all of it... a high that no drug or alcohol can give you... so played my best... it was really close... my opponent went up 1 - 0... then I drew level... 1 - 1.... then he took the lead again at 2 - 1.... then my streak began... and I won 3 games in a row... but he was persistent and drew close at 3 - 4...

the nightmare of losing after going up 4 -2 to alfred came to haunt me... I got nervous as hell and started making mistakes... plus I was really mentally exhausted from playing the whole day... normally I play pool just for 2 hours max a day... but that day I had been playing for around 5 hours already... I was at my limit... I really thought I was going to lose 5 - 4 again...

then my opponent made a mistake... he placed the cue ball directly above the nineball... so there was no shot for him to take... EXCEPT... a really tough shot with the cue ball banking off the rail to hit the nine ball into the pocket... and he had the balls to take it... if he missed I would win the playoff... but he took it... and ALMOST made it... the nine ball was centimetres from being potted... leaving me an easy shot and the win!

I must say I really enjoyed playing in front of our IACT students... kudos to all of you for making a great event even more fun for the students... I know I had a good time... and I really enjoyed every moment of my 15 minutes in the limelight...

only complaint I have is that I played for six hours... and won a 30 buck voucher... the bloody entry fee was 20 bucks... so I spent 6 hours toiling over the pool table to win 10 bucks! But then again nothing can buy the high I got from playing infront of my friends and college mates... so thats not a big deal :)

Especially for yelena

This is my official protest against the emo, mushy crap that you hear on the radio every single bloody day....

I call it...

NO CHAIR!

enjoy


Tell me how I'm suppose to sit with no chair[oohhhh]
(Verse 1)
[ Jordin S.]
If ishould die
beforeI sit
Its causeyou took
my seat away
losing my seat is like living in a world
with no chair
Ohhh...

[ Chris B.]
Im here
alone
didnt want
to leave
My ass won't move
its incomplete
wish therewas a way
that i can sit instead of stand

(Pre-Chorus)
But How [how]
Do you expect me [me]
To sit alone with just me [me]
Cause my world revolves around my cushion
its so hard for me to sit

(Chorus)
Tell Me How im supposed to sit with no chair
Can't relax can't sit with no chair
thats how i sit whenever my chair ain’t there
Its No chair No chair
Got me standing here in the lounge so long
Tell me how dare you sit without me
if my chair ain't here i just can't sit
Its No chair no chair
No chair chair (ohhhh)
No chair chair (noooo)
No chair chair (ohhhh)
No chair chair

( Verse 2 )
[ Chris B.]
I Walked
I Ran
I Jumped
I Flew
Right off the ground
To float to around
Theres no chair
To let me settle down
For real

[Jordin S.]
But
Somehow
Im still alive inside
You took my chair
But i survived
I don't know how to sit
But i don't dare

(Pre-Chorus)
So How (How)
Do you expect me (Me)
To live sit down with just me (Ohh)
Cause my world revolves around upholstery
its so hard for me to sit

( Chorus)
Tell Me How im supposed to sit with no chair
(ohhhh) [ohhh]Can't live can't sit with no chair
(ohhh) [ohhh]thats how i feel whenever my chair ain't there
Its No chAir No chAir
Got me out here and the lounge so long(So long)
Tell me how you dare you sit without me (Without Me Yeahhh)
if the chair ain't here i just can't sit[nooo chairr]
Its No chAir No chAir
No chair chair (ohhhh)
No chair chair (ohhhh)
No chair chair (ohhhh)
No chair chair (No More)
uhh uhh uhh[baby]
No chAir (ohhh)
uhh uhh uhh (Baby)
No chAir (ohhh)
uhh uhh uhh
No chAir
Its No chAir No chAir
Heyyy..Oooooo..No chAiiiiiir
Oooooo..Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(Chorus)
Tell Me How im supposed to breathe with no chair (ohhhh) [no chair]
Can't live can't sit with no chair
thats how i feel whenever my chair ain't there [no sitting] [no sitting at all]
Its No chAir No chAir
Got me out here and the so long (So long)
Tell me how dare you sit without me (Without Me Yeahhh) [cant sit without ya baby]
if you ain't here i just can't sit
Its No chAir No chAir
Do you expect me
To live alone with just me
Cause my world revolves around you[babyyyy]
its so hard for me to sit

(Chorus)
Tell Me How im supposed to sit with no chair (ohhhh)
Can't sit can't breathe with no chair
thats how i feel whenever my chair ain't there [not there]
Its No chAir No chAir

[ Jordin S.]
Got me out here and in the lounge so long

[ Chris B.]
Tell me how dare you sit be without me

[ Jordin S.]if my chair ain't here i just can't sit

[Both]
Its No chAir No chAir
No chair chair (ohh)
No chair chair (ohh)
No chair chair (No chair)

The Irish ;)

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?

"O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Paddy was in New York .He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher.

"They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each pla ce he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Need a little help!

I'm horrible at giving people names... so I'm giving YOU, the readers (hopefully!) a chance to name my characters for me!

so give me a bunch of names... and I'll use them in my new story ;)

do it fast yea... or don't bitch about me using my friends names and my own name again!

see ya!

A new story... :)

here's a little teaser... keep coming for more ;)

It wasn't much of a football match. They were losing badly. One of the players had injured been injured by a rough tackle from the opponents. He smiled to himself. 'This is where I shine!' he grinned to himself.

He took the free kick quickly, running the ball forward into open space. As he ran, he kept his eyes open, looking for an open player. There were none. 'I'll take it myself then,' he thought. He baited the defender, teasing him with a look at the ball then pulled it deftly behind his dribbling leg. Then he kicked it forward, leaving the off balanced defender with a mistimed tackle and himself with yards of space. There was nothing between him but the keeper and himself.

'Go A levels!,' he heard some one shout. He risked a quick glance, to see who it was. His jaw dropped a little. She was something to look at. Short jet black hair that fell to her shoulders. And a short flowery blue skirt. 'Gosh, what a short skirt!' he thought looking appreciatively at her legs.

'You IDIOT! What are you doing! Run for goal,' some one hissed. His mind snapped back to the football game. He had stopped running to look at her and defenders were gaining ground on him quickly. He raced forward and dribbled.

He pushed the ball to his best foot and prepared to shoot. 'Go A levels!' said the voice again. Distracted he looked up. And miskicked it horribly. To his suprised he barely missed. The corner flag that is.

There was a groan from the A level's crowd. 'Even a blind man could have shot better than that! What were you doing you idiot,' said his new friend Kenny.

'Sorry! I got distracted! We'll get the next ball!' he replied. He looked up again for the girl. But she wasn't there anymore. He sighed.

Two days to forget

It was my birthday on the 12th of March... which was a horrible day for me... work work work... got bullied for most of the day at work... got nagged at... got scolded... the list goes on... the saving grace was spending time with my family for dinner... right after that Iwas so tired I just slept!

It was an uneventful birthday to say the least... I guess thats what happens when you get older... you tend to get less excited about birthdays... then comes a point when you dread them... that days still a whiles away tho... oh to be 16, 18 or 21 again... :)

The day after my birthday, the 13th obviously, marked a year since baby went missing from the house... Another reason I don't look foward to birthdays... I miss her horribly... I hope she's happy in her new home... eating well... playing with children and having a safe and good home environment... that is my birthday wish... that baby is happy...

simple no? but simple things are often the most difficult to come true...

This time I'll believe it will...

I don't have a choice...

We love you baby... come home to us some day... we will be waiting patiently... suki needs to meet her jie jie... :)

Got this from my bro... funny!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife . Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

I found...

..... Suki's twin!

http://www.uniteddogs.com/photo/110628

except Suki has more freckles on her nose...

still her twins as adorable as she is :D

Dummies for Writing Email Introductions to your ex gf

Ever felt awkward sending an email? Here's news for you... you're not the only one... All around the world, millions of people are struggling to write emails to friends, loved ones and ex loved ones. My particular interest is in writing to ex loved ones for today's topic. Here's a guide: Dummies for Writing Email Introductions to your ex gf... and no... its not backwards... its exactly how I want the title to be...

So lets say you're writing to some one who dumped you... how do you go about writing the introduction of your email?

1)
Hey bitch
- perhaps apt but diplomacy is a better approach

Hey whore
- who she sleeps with, be it the entire football team, is no longer your business so this is out of the question

Hey you two timing slut
- you've got it wrong... you wanna save this till when she DOESN'T reply your email, then you use this

Hey stranger
- ahh... much better... gives you another chance to nail the bitch and label it as a one night stand!


2)
Who you doing now?
- foreplay! foreplay!

So you're not dead yet?
- too hostile... imagine how scary it would be if she WAS dead and replied to you... don't dig your own grave (lame pun intended)

How are things with you?
- Good good.. appeal to her mind then stroke her tits ego... make her think you actually give a shit how she's doing... even if you don't... but err... if you don't why the fuck are you emailing her?

3)
Wanna play hide the salami?
- no wonder she's your bloody ex... you freakin sex addict!

I've been watching you
- Whoa... the whole 'Every Step You Take' thing died... Thus its 'I'll Be Missing You' now! Drop the stalker intentions!

What are you wearing now?
-Girls NEVER dress sexy for the sake of of being sexy alone... so you're likely to get a 'T-Shirts and last weeks panties' for a reply... are you sure you want to put yourself through that horrible imagery?

Its been a while, how have you been?
- Yes! Yes! YES! said Meg Ryan... you've hit the G spot with this. Pretend to care (see 1) for more information) how she is doing... at least make her feel guilty enough to read the rest of your self absorbent pathethic excuse of a email!

Here on ways you can talk about pretty much what ever you want... you've gotten her attention now... so its time to dish out the dirt! Have fun writing emo emails...

This concludes our lesson in Dummies for Writing Email Introductions to your ex gf... If you don't feel like a dummy after you've written it... wait a while... or a little longer... or perhaps forever... cause she ain't replying your lame ass back! Have fun!

Close your eyes a second,

and wipe your tears dry.

Baby, stop sobbing,

and don't you cry.



So you've had your heart,

broken and torn in two.

But baby, don'tcha know,

he wasn't right for you.



So dry those soft,

baby brown eyes.

And babym don'tchu,

Don'tchu cry.



I know you fell hard,

you thought he was the one.

He was your moon, stars

and burning sun.



It's not like,

he stopped loving you.

We both know,

Thats not true.



Its no one's fault really
don't ya know.
It was time,
and he had to go.



He tried to change,

to be a better man.

But he was who he was,

in the end.

Flattering Urinals :D

Nice idea don't you think guys? Bringing satisfaction to the whole peein'g experience... I can imagine the gay version of this... guys instead of girls... I wonder if straight people will be able to pee with other guys 'staring' at them... I mean we all know guys secretly 'check' each other out when they pee! Well err... not really... but you get the idea :)