Patriotic pads!

Hilarious advertisement... I don't know if its real or fake... got it from a forward... Add the red! Its like playing with crayons all over again... always said women never really grow up :D So you can't really rely on them to do something sane... they'll hit you with some crazy childish rant while they're bleeding... trust me I've been a victim of this many many many many times!

*insert lame joke about not trusting something that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die!*

PMS? The real question is do men have PMS too? Studies show that we do! So women, stop bitching that you're the only ones that have to deal with PMS... Guys do too! And we don't get warnings like bleeding unendingly! We just go ... well... PMSy....

Its pretty unfair to guys actually :(

With no warning signs, you'll never know when you'll snap. You don't even KNOW that you have PMS... your hormones just fuck you up... and you have no clue that its happening... at least women can warn people... GO AWAY... I'm BLEEDING.... I mean I'm PMSing.... Us guys? We're clueless :( ... shuttup... I know thats normally the case any ways XD...

With no outwards symptoms... you can't prove in court that you were having PMS and thats why you shot that irritating old geezer who was wheezing down your neck while you were trying to read (i.e. dad).

But one thing we are lucky about... We DON'T HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH... so there! HAH!

Me thinks that science will one day make this possible however. Turning our poor male stomachs into uteruses (or wherever babies go!) and quite literally ripping a new hole for men to give birth....

Imagine the scenario:

Woman : Honey I want you to have my babies?

Man: Don't you mean you want to have my babies?

Woman: thats so 90ties... get with it! I want YOU to have MY babies...

Man: Won't it hurt?

Woman: Yes it will hurt like hell... and I'll enjoy every second of taping it :D

Poor men... science is screwing us over... even good stuff like viagra has its draw backs... People are OVERDOSING on viagra can you believe that? Even worse, those who aren't meant for hot steamy action any more are GETTING action! Definitely more action than poor me... well I hope they have heart attacks or something similarly fatal when they're running around with tents in their pants chasing after their poor nurses...

VIAGRA... God's gift to men? I think its more like God giving men a chance to actually satisfy a woman... it takes like seconds for for a man to satisfy himself... and hours to bring a woman to the brink of pleasure... not to mention women can be satisfied multiple times! (Another reason I think God is a woman!)

With VIAGRA, we have a fighting chance to satisfy our women and stop them from straying too far... they're like sheep aren't they? horny sheep!

I hear women scream 'With VIAGRA all these horny 70 year olds are screwing hot 20 year olds!' Well my reply to that is... The downside of viagra is... when your woman is saggier than a cows udder... and more wrinkled than s newborn baby monkey.... they buy you VIAGRA... and you have no choice what so ever whether you're turned on or not... all they have to do is sneak it in your old age medicines... voila instant tent in pants... to your horror you have no excuse of not being able to get it up any more... and probably risking a heart failure from disgust more than any thing medical.

This was todays sermon.... another sermon will be served tommorow.... on horny kids who just can't keep themselves innocent... YEA I'm talking about all you IACT students :p

*grins*

Ja

Pick up lines!

hey guys... I'm writing a script for a video... need your advice on which of the following is good... amazing and which are down right crap and should be left out! Comments are really welcome!


GUY
Hey honey, I'm no Fred Flinstone but I can sure make your Bedrock!

GIRL
The only rock I see in the one you call your brain



GUY
Let’s get hammered, then I’ll nail you

GIRL
You’re too ugly for carpentry 101 let alone the Masters class!



GUY
Santa must've come early this year, cause you were first on my Christmas-list.

GIRL
Uh huh… you’re the expert on cumming early I guess…



GUY
Are you a zoo, because you bring the animal out in me.

GIRL
Cool… now make like an ostrich and bury your head up your ass.


GUY
I followed a leprechaun to my pot of gold and he brought me to you.

GIRL
Then why don’t you make like the leprechaun and disappear!


GUY
You look so good baby I wish I can plant you and grow a whole field of you

GIRL
The only plant you’re gonna get close to is a nuclear plant… now go away before my boy friend Hiroshima’s you.



GUY
If your beauty was like gas, my car would never need refilled.

GIRL
The only gas I’m getting is coming out of your mouth… or is that your ass?



GUY
Hey I bought a new couch you wanna see it?

GIRL
Sorry. I’m not a certified psychiatrist. You crazy bastard!



GUY
Your lips look so lonely, would they like to meet mine?

GIRL
I don’t think so. First of all you’d have to remove them from my ass.


GUY
The average person falls in love 7 times before marriage. Baby, you're my lucky seven.

GIRL
Lucky seven? I’m surprised you managed to count past three. Now on the count of three, disappear!



GUY
Do you like ice cream? Good because you look like my favorite topping!

GIRL
If you don’t go away, I’ll scream, alright!



GUY
Is this the Matrix, because I think you're the One

GIRL
If it was the Matrix, I’d whoop you and make you see double.



GUY
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?

GIRL
Roses are dead, violets will wilt, your bad poetry is gonna get you killed.



GUY
I think you are the sexiest girl in the world!

GIRL
Thanks, my boyfriend thinks so too!



GUY
You smell that.....? Smells like love.

GIRL
Thanks. You smell funky too. But not in a good way!



GUY
If a piece of paper meant sexy, then you'd be a forest!

GIRL
If water meant sex appeal, you’d be a desert.



GUY
Hi, I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life. Can I interview you?

GIRL
I’m extremely busy. Make an appointment with my secretary. Call me at 1300 – Get lost loser



GUY
Hey Angel, how's Heaven?

GIRL
The same, out of your league.



GUY
If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!

GIRL
If you were a burger, you’d be McScurry. Make like your burger and scurry back to the hole you came from..



GUY
Can I borrow ten cents?

GIRL
Why?

GUY
So I can call my mother and tell her I met the girl of my dreams!

GIRL
Here’s five bucks… don’t come back.




GUY
If I was a pancake, I would want you to be my maple syrup!

GIRL
That’s sweet, but I’m diabetic. Go away before I have a fit.



GUY
Hey, officer, give me a ticket, because I'm in your restricted area.

GIRL
I’ll do better than that… I’ll jail your lame ass!



GUY
I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

GIRL
I think you were dumbstruck too if you think you’re getting any info out of me.



GUY
I think I'm gay, wanna prove me wrong?

GIRL
Nah. I think you’re perfectly correct. You are gay.



GUY
Give it back!

GIRL
Give what back?

GUY
My breath.

GIRL
Here. Take some mints to go with it.



GUY
I only have 12 hours to live! Please don't let me die a virgin!

GIRL
At least you’ll die happy. You won’t miss what you’ve never had.



GUY
Can I see your hand? I want to tell you your fortune.

Takes hand and writes phone number on it.

GUY
There's your future.

GIRL
Oh my God! Did you just jinx me?



GUY
Where have you been all my life?

GIRL
Hiding from you....how the hell did you find me?



GUY
I would die for you...
GIRL
Prove it



GUY
I'm all you've got cutie!
GIRL
Then I must not have a lot.



GUY
Haven't I seen you someplace before?

GIRL
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.



GUY
So what do you do for a living?

GIRL
Female impersonator.



GUY
Is this seat empty?

GIRL
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.



GUY
I'd like to call you. What's your number?

GIRL
It's in the phone book.

GUY
But I don't know your name.

GIRL
That's in the phone book too.



GUYI
I want to give myself to you.

GIRL
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.


GUY
I can tell that you want me.

GIRL
Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave.



GUY
Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?

GIRL
Yeah, but this time don't stop!



GUY
I think you're the best looking girl in here.

GIRL
Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!



GUY
So, baby, your place or mine?

GIRL
Both. You'll go to your place and I'll go to mine!


GUY
You look like a dream.

GIRL
Go back to sleep.


GUY
I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included.

GIRL
Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk.

GUY
So, wanna go back to my place?

GIRL
Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Hmm...

I was just talking to eunice a while ago before she went to wash up... do all great writers need to be high or super low to write great pieces of work? I'm not kidding around here! I seriously am curious.

In my experience, my best writing has always come from when I was feeling very low... dark thoughts and depression... then the words would just flow out of my mind into my pen... or in this case my desktop..

Right now I'm having a writers block... I don't know what to write about... I thought that feeling content and happy would bring content and happy poems... but it hasn't!

Problem problem...

Don't die before cancelling your credit cards!

Be sure & cancel credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, & so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.A lady died this past January, & Citibank billed her for February &March for their annual service charges on her credit card, & added latefees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, nowsomewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here's the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed & the Late Fees and Chargesstill apply!!

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her tothe credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"(I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse Me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.

"Citibank: "The account was never closed, late fees & charges still apply."
(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew

."Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure" (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply." (What is wrongwith these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

credit: Debs

Me Meh Meh MEHHHHHHHHH

1. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
yup... had to send my shirt to the dry cleaners... icky stuff crying...

.2. Have you ever cried in an airport?
yea... when Az left... everyone was already at the brink of tears... cause he was the first person to leave for overseas and we were a very close group of friend... he walked down the escalator and everyone choked a little when he turned around to wave... the breaking point came when the bastard called from the waiting room to say good bye to everyone... almost all 9 to 10 of the ugys were teary or openly crying! Bastard malay!

3. Last person to make you laugh?
Eunice

4. What was funny?
It was a really lame malay pun... so lame it was funny :p

5. Favorite John Mayer song?
Umm... I forget the name of it... if i'm not mistaken its your body is a wonderland... *shrugs* thats if I got the right artist XD

6. Scariest movie?
The eye... it was pretty damn spooky... but hilarious cause one of my guy friends was so spooked out... he begged me to wait for him to get into his house when I dropped him off... he was like... wait ar... wait arr... wait arr... and scrambling for his keys every time I stepped on the accelarator to pretend to drive off..

7. Last thing to bother you?
Missing a phone call :(

8. Last person to text you?
Laura

9. Last time you went looking for new clothes?
Hmm... a coupla months back... with mommy... I love shopping with mommy... new stuff and no money.... I wish I had more mommies :(

10. Whats going on last March?
My b'day :D... lots of drinking... and some drunken phone calls to ex's... hahah..

11. Last person to tell you they miss you?
My mom :D

12. What bothers your mom the most?
My smoking in my room... she can't take the smell...

13. Who will be your next kiss?
I have no idea...

14. Where do you see yourself in 8 years?
Working and married with a child :D Preferbly a daugther...

15. Your first thought in the morning?
Oh oh... we're gonna be late for mom's doc appointment...

16. Last dream you had?
I dreamt of shirley and phil... weird dream... don't wanna talk about it *Stressed*

17. Ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yeap... not many guys would admit to this I guess... *shrugs*

18. Ever been in love?
Yups... and out of it too... vicious circle

19. Last time you had a 4 hour talk with someone?
Hmm... around two years back... With my ex gf... didn't seem that long tho... the conversation not the time span..

20. Do you have a Friendster?
yup... and facebook too :p

21. Do you believe in stupid questions?
You mean like this one?

22. Where are you now?At home??
yeap... I ain't paying for a CC when I have free internet.. that'd be dumb...

23. Last time you danced?
I don't dance... people don't let me... 1) its fugly to see 2) people get burned by my ciggerette

24. The person that taught you how to swim?
I don't know how to swim XD

25. Whats your ring tone?
Its some crappy nokia ring tone... which reminds me... I want a new phone!

26. Do you own an iPod?
Nope... I have a radio on my phone which doesn't work... does that count?

27. Speak any other languages?
I speak two languages to quote Eunice 'Body and English'... :p... ok some chinese and english as well as a tit bit of french...

28. Whats your middle name?
I hate my middle name... Jeremiah

29. How many schools have you been too?
too many to count... I moved around a lot :p

.30. Who from your top friends have you known the longest?
Loads of people...

31. lalala?
dum dee dumm dee dumm :p

32. Do you like the "Brianstorm" song?
What dat? o.O

33. Where were you the first time you heard the song "Asereje"?
What dat again? O.o

34. Hardest class?
All classes are easy... just that some have crappy teachers...

35. How old were you when you went on your first date?
First proper date was when I was 16 :D

36. Who's your celebrity crush?
Don't have one :(...

37. Last thing you bought?
Cigarettes.

*stabs eunice, brana and pinky*

do or die!

For my dear brother :D

Here's a lil song... that goes a lil something like this~*

Broken balls, oh broken balls!
Jeng Jeng Jeng~*

Does it hurt when you
Answer nature’s calls?

Jeng Jeng Jeng~*

Broken balls….. broken balls, oh broken balls~*
Can you get it up at all?

Jeng Jeng Jeng~*

Broken balls, oh broken ballsssss….
How did you hurt something so small?

Broken balls!
Broken balls!
BROKEN BALLS~*

Who knows?
Maybe you won’t need em at all!

Dum deh dum….

see a doctor you dork!

ten years ago

this is a story that happened around 10 years ago... back when I was still young... adventourous and pretty dumb... any way...I was just 16 and me and my two best friends back then took a train down to Langkawi for a holiday... all sorts of funny and odd experiences were to come!

The first was when we were looking for a mini van to drive us to the car rental centre... as soon as we stopped, some one grabbed the drivers hand... at this point my intuition told me there was going to be a fight or some trouble at least. So I hurried my two friends and we walked away. Then we heard shouts 'OI! JANGAN LARI! So what did we do? We ran like hell! With our luggage and all!

Finally we ducked into a coffee shop and ordered drinks... praying the police wouldn't see us. I could see them from where we were seated... they were looking for us... a while later the coast was clear and we left taking another mini van (you'd think we'd have learned our lesson!) We asked about the peculiar behavior and why we were being chase by the police. Apparently, the mini van driver did not have a permit which was an offence. An offence that even the passenger are liable for. One night in the lockup or 1000 RM fine... Whoah! Thats no way to treat innocent tourists ignorant of the law!

Any way later on that day we were looking for a nightclub to hang out with... after walking for quite a while, we finally found a place... we walked in... and I was pretty impressed... lots of girls... so I turned around to say 'hey! not bad! lets hangout here' to my friends... to my horror they had disappeared... so I made an exit pronto... I found my friends outside... running... when I finally caught up with them... I asked them what the deal was... there were chicks in there!

my friend revealed to me that it was a whore house... thats why there were only women there... and all the women stood up when we walked in and said 'ooo theres customers' in hokkien which I didn't understand... close shave!

any way we went to the beach the next day and we picked up this japenese girl... she was pretty cute and could speak pretty good english... so we asked her to join us for a night of clubbing... to which she agreed... we picked her up and headed to cheraton for some drink and dance... my friend A, the eldest amongst us was making moves on her... so that left me and B to our own devices... we were drinking and made friends with a bunch of holland dudes... so we were drinking and dancing for quite a while... and stopped for a breather...I was sweating like mad... then I spied a swimming pool... so I jokingly suggested we go for a swim... the holland guy enthusiasthically agreed and I wish I kept my mouth shut...

me and B stripped down to our boxers... ready to go for a swim... then we looked to our right... the white boy decided to go full monty... naked as the day he was born! it rattled us a little but well... we swam any way... we were in the pool for about 15 minutes when a security guard came and said 'OI pool dah tutup la... sekarang dah pukul berapa?' So we quickly exited the pool. We were drenched...looking for something to towel off... we took table cloths from a table... yes... euwww!

Later we saw A standing over the pool, carrying the jap chick... threatening to throw her into the pool... with out thinking all three of us raced towards the pool... the holland guy having longer legs... reached first and gave A a mighty kick in the ass... sending both the squealing girl and a very annoyed A into the pool. Cue: Security guards return! Much cursing and scolding occured...

any way we went home after that... as in the shalleys... and invited the jap girl and the holland guy for a night cap.... a lil later they both turned up... we were drinking and chatting for a while when the there was another knock on the door... 'Oh that must be my friends,' said the Holland guy. 'I hope you don't mind.'

We said we were cool with it. There was plenty left to drink. Then the door opened and our jaws fell to the ground. Two very burly ah quas came into the room. One introduced 'herself' as 'Hi I'm fizzy, I'm gonna make you dizzy.'

A very quickly said he would be taking a walk with the jap girl... abandoning me and B alone with the burly she-males... the Holland guy then said he was tired and left... I was pretty much terrified at that point... they were ALOT bigger than me and my friend... images of me losing my anal virginity came to mind.... so I sat in a corner... smoking a cigar...

B continued to chat with them like nothing was wrong... and I continued to enjoy my cigar.

Then Fizzy asked 'Abang Vince, kenape senyap?' 'Penat,' I said curtly.

'Penat?' 'she' asked. 'Nak I massage?'

At this point I freaked out and started cursing in all the dialect I knew in chinese. Basically telling B to get these people out of the room before I did something crazy to them... as in hurt them... :p

So they finally left... I thought I would finally have peace of mind and a good nights sleep. Then A came back with the jap girl. We had two single bed that were put together. He separated them, explaining that the jap girl would be staying over that night. I shrugged and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night, I heard moans and grunts. I wished the earth would swallow me right then and there. Then oddly, my bed that I was sharing with B started vibrating as well. I was wondering what the hell was happening. Then it occured to me! He was getting his rocks off too!

Poor me... stuck between some one getting laid, and another buddy pleasuring himself... and all I wanted to do was sleep! I swear I was cursing my luck that day... Suddenly B got out of the bed and switched on the toilet light.... he was washing his hands after doing his business! I could hear the jap girl whisper 'Oh no, they're awake'. A switched on the the light and with a very smug smile. offered me coke... I felt like shoving the coke where the sun didn't shine right there and then...

The next day we left for Selangor... it was a holiday filled with action and fun... something I always talk about and remember fondly... despite its little quirks... so thats my story :)

My little poem

roses will die,

violets will wilt,

when I fall in love,

it will be with a scot in a kilt

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.



From Debs :D

WInter blooms

Will you be my winters love?
Stick to the beginning
Stay to the last
and wait for the ending?

Summer's heat
passion and lust
Are just things
I no longer trust

I wanna feel
your warmth in the winter
I wanna feel
your love forever

Summer flings
and one night stands
Just aren't in my future
or in my plans

I need to know
that you're for real
Otherwise I'm out
No deal

Maybe I'm not ready
Maybe I'm just confused
But then I've been hurt
I've been abused

I don't want
the fake heat of the moment
I want permanence
Thats that the predicament

I don't want
I love you today
Then I'm sorry
please go away

If we're to be
if at all
Come with me
together we'll answer winters call